Why Me?

What do you do when you feel like the whole world is against you? When no matter how good of a person you try to be, everyone thinks you're a piece of shit? Including the man who promised to love me forever....

Im at the bottom and can't go much lower. Im slowly sinking into the quick sand and it wont be long until I suffocate. Nothing I do is good enough. Why am I even still here? Now I can understand why some people choose to end it all. Thankfully my kids and mom are here to save me from that fate,

No one has ever made me feel lower than you have. No one can hate me more than I already hate myself. Everything is my fault. Kick me a few more times while im down here. Soon it wont matter any longer.

Unruly Children

A lot of our weekends are spent at my mother's house. There's a family that lives not far from my mom's house with a whole gaggle of children. I think they have like 5 kids or something. The mother is a total bitch. She just has this evil angry look on her face at all times and I have seen how she talks to her kids. One time a year or two ago, the kids were all playing at their house and her kids couldn't find their shoes. She blamed our kids for stealing her kids' shoes and began cussing and yelling at my husband over these fuckin shoes, only to find them minutes later underneath of their tree (of course, no apology was given). Since then, the kids have been told that they are not allowed to play with the girls of the family because they are just some nasty little brats. The second youngest is the same age as our twins (7) and has the dirtiest mouth I have ever heard on a little kid. The girls will stand and yell things over the fence at me or my mom if they see us outdoors. They are just evil. There is one boy, big C. He has always been nice and well behaved, so our kids have been allowed to play with him. Once in awhile, when our kids are playing in my mom's back yard, C will come over to play. The first time this summer, his mom was calling for him and when my mom asked if his mom knew he was over here, he whispered under his breath “uh oh” and then took off. Since then, he tells us that his mom knows he is there but if she does or not, we don't really know. I don't even know if the bitch cares. She lets her kids run all over the neighborhood from about the age of 4 or 5. When C was around 5 years old, I would see him walking down the highway by himself.  The step dad of the family is super nice and I don't know what the Hell he is doing with that woman.

Anyway, so last weekend, we were at my mom's and my kids were outside playing croquet (we sound so fancy!). C came over and played with them like he has done in the past. He began arguing over one of the rules and my mom told him that's what the rules are. He got pissed and began leaving. My mom  asked him if would like to see the list of rules for the game that came with the set and he said no, and then proceeded to yell, “you're all a bunch of cheaters!”

My mom called his name and asked him to come back to where he yelled, “SHUT UP OLD LADY!”. I jumped up out of my chair and yelled his name again and told him to come here.

“NO!”

“C!”

“SHUT UP!”

“You wanna come over here and make me shut up little boy?” (ok, so maybe that wasn't the most mature thing to say to a kid but wtf)

“Shut up!”

“Want me to come over and talk to your mom?”

“I'll get my dad!”

“Good, bring him out, he's nice!”

.. and that was the end of it; he ran home. I was half waiting for his mom to come running over running her loud mouth but I'm sure she probably didn't even know he was there.

The next day, as my mom was leaving her house, she noticed this:

Her cute little wishing well had been spray painted. There were no words painted, just some scribbles, almost like a child did it. Hmm, coincidence?? Of course, she has no proof who it was that did it but come on, do you really need proof to know?

Seriously, what the fuck kind of parents raise their kids to act that way? What kind of parents scream and yell obscenities and derogatory comments in front of their own children and other children? What kind of parent thinks it's OK that their children yell names at others? These kids are all going to grow up to be bullies. Our kids used to go to the same school and my daughter said that their girl was in trouble all the time on the school bus and had to sit up front by the driver.

First of all, if you don't want to raise your kids right or take any kind of responsibility for them, DON'T have them!! If you are not going to teach your kids what respect is, DON'T HAVE THEM! It's been to the point where I've actually felt bad for those kids because I don't think they get any attention at home. They have a few nice things, like a swimming pool and nice toys, but does that make up for how they are being raised? These kids have been out side at 11 pm running the neighborhood by themselves. It really is sad. I wonder how many of them will end up in prison or end up getting revenge on their mom one day?

I may not be the best mom in the world and I may lose my temper at times, but I have always taught my kids to have respect for others, especially their elders. I've taught them not to tease or bully anyone and that there is nothing wrong with being different. It's a shame that so many other parents don't do the same.

Friends vs Family

Ya know, it's kinda funny...or maybe a lil ironic, but i've written a few times about my lack of friends and how depressing it is. I've recently been proven wrong *gasp* (I know!)... I finally confided in a couple old friends about some things in my life and you know what? They listened. They listened and offered advice and they were just there for me. Then a couple of old friends invited me out last Saturday. They knew my current situation and paid for everything with no hesitation (they offered). We shot the shit and laughed until some of us snorted (I love that!). I invited a couple of other friends who just moved back from Florida a few weeks before, and everyone got along splendidly. It was a fun stress free night. Now we are planning a girls nigh IN next Friday and I can't wait! I just have to remember that no matter what happens, I have real friends who love me and know my worth and will not make me feel worthless or like a burden. They are more like family than SOME family members.

I was super excited because I thought I had a great job lead from a college friend of mine. She talked to her H.R. person and had them look at my resume. It was for a travelling medical assistant and made fairly good $$. I was so excited about this until I was told that I was 15 miles out of their travelling radius. I seriously wanted to cry. It sometimes feels as if the whole world is against me and no matter what I do or how good of a person I am, I just can't get a break. I don't even know what to do any more, feel like everything is crashing down around me. Every time I get my hopes up about a job, something happens. I'm about to just give up...and run away forever. At least I know my friends love me unconditionally. Can't say the same about my own family though, apart from my mom.

Anyway, kids start school in exactly one week. Im looking forward to some quiet time but not looking forward to getting up early and dealing with all the homework and everything else. Ah well, it's gotta be done.

Magic Merry Fairy Maid! Do YOU Have One?

So apparently, some of my “family” members (or those who I considered to BE family) feel that I am a fat, nasty, worthless, lazy, piece of shit who does nothing. Isn't family absolutely delightful??
All of these humorous names got me thinking. You see, I have so much time on my hands, sitting on my ass, stuffing my face with junk food, and picking my nose all day long, that I have plenty of free time to think about things. I am thinking how lucky I am to have a Merry Magic Fairy Maid in my home. You all should get one, she is absolutely fantastic and I don't know what I would do without her!

What is a merry magic fairy maid you ask? Well, she is an invisible fairy maid that comes to my house and does work for FREE! Can you believe it?? Here is just a small list of what this sweet fairy maid does:

During the school year, she gets the 3 children in the house up and ready for school and out the door on time so that they are never late.

She makes said children breakfast, lunch, and dinner (phew! Who would want to do all of THAT work??)

She picks up the laundry and towels off of the floor that the other 4 inhabitants can't seem to pick up themselves, she then carries it to the laundry room, washes the laundry, folds it, and puts it away.

The merry magic fairy maid washes all of the dishes that held the food that she made for the other 4 people in our home, by hand (no dishwasher here, are you crazy??).

Ms. Fairy Maid picks up the trash that the 3 children and 1 adult can't seem to carry to the trash bag. She also picks up the trash from the floor when the other 4 people are too lazy to get the trash INSIDE the trash bag and decide it would be acceptable to just throw it somewhere close to the trash bag.. because they know that the merry magic fairy maid will pick it up! The maid also makes sure that the trash gets to the curb on trash day (hey, isn't that the 'man's' job?.. silly fairy maid).

The fairy maid sweeps and mops the rooms in the house.

The sweet little maid cleans the cat litter boxes on a regular basis cause lawd knows no one wants to do that!

The maid makes sure that the dog and cats have food and water every day.

Merry fairy straightens up things around the house all the time because 4 of the house's occupants love to just put shit anywhere and everywhere so that nothing in the house can ever look nice and neat longer than, say, an hour.

The fairy maid picks up dishes and cups that are left on the coffee table or the floor, or wherever the others in the house decide to leave them instead of putting them where they go.

The merry magic fairy maid also takes the dog outside whenever he needs to do his doody. If the dog does a no no and pees on the floor, guess who gets to clean it up? Yep, you guessed it! The magic fairy maid! Gosh, isn't she wonderful?

Sometimes, some times, the merry fairy maid is bad and doesn't leave the house spotless like she should. Bad, BAD magic merry fairy maid! She should be fired if one is not able to eat from the floor!!

The best thing about having a magic fairy maid is the peace of mind knowing that once I find a job, she will continue to do alll of these things so that while I'm not working I can sit on my ass and do nothing except get up to poop or eat. I won't have to do a thing!! Yayyyyyy magic merry fairy maid!

I'm so lucky to have a magic merry fairy maid. Apart from the long list of chores that the merry fairy does, she also has time to help the kids with their school work (yes, even during the summer), or ride her bike with them to the library or park, or walk with them around the local reservoir, or play board games with them, because God knows no one in their right mind wants to spend quality time with their own children! 

I is just too fuckin' lazy to do any of that shit. Thank you magic merry fairy maid!

See this lovely self portrait? It's moi sitting on the couch, picking my nose after I ate almost an entire pizza all by myself. See all the purple fairy dust in the background?? Thank you Magic Merry Fairy Maid!!

--P.S. I love sarcasm. Bitch.

The Memories Remain...

The memories come flooding back to me. This has happened twice before in the past. You become this other person. You become someone who is mean and talks to me with such anger in your voice that I shutter the moment you walk in the door. This is the part of you that I hate.

I remember it all. The nights that I cried in your arms begging you to never become that person again. The struggle I fought with to push those memories to the back of my head so that we could work on our future. I remember the promises you made both times. Promises that this would never happen again. Promises that you would spend the rest of your life making sure that I knew how much you loved me and that you would do everything in your power to regain my trust again. I wanted to believe you...because I loved you. I loved the person that you could be; the person that I fell in love with.

These memories are crashing around me because everything is happening again. You are doing everything that you promised you would never do again and that I never had to worry about.

I know I'm not perfect and I fucked up. No one is perfect. Marriage and family are meant to be based on unconditional love. Marriage and love are not meant to be on a conditional basis. A successful union between two people means working through the difficult times together, talking to one another, and never giving up on each other. Marriage is not about pushing the other one away when times get hard.

Your promises have all been broken.. again . I'm keeping my promise. The one I made to you that if this happened again, it would be the last time. No more waiting around for the asshole you to go away and the fun, loving, caring you to come back. I'm done waiting. This is the end.

Never forget that I was the one that loved you when no one else did. I was the one that made you want to become a better person, and I was the only one that loved YOU UNCONDITIONALLY through everything. You chose to keep pushing me away and now I'm out of your reach for good.

Sharing with Pour Your Heart Out

(P.S. Thank you, Shell!)

The End

There's not much that can compare to being betrayed by your spouse. The person that you promised to love unconditionally til death do you part and who also promised the same. Marriage isn't just about a piece of paper. It's taking a vow to love your spouse through thick and thin; good times and the bad. Too many people are quick to give up on a marriage and throw it away instead of working through the bad times together. In my opinion, communication is the biggest key to a happy long marriage. When problems arise, you sit down with your spouse and figure out how to work through them together. Ignoring the problem will just make the situation worse and things will continue to build until finally they blow up.

Once the explosion takes place, you have a choice to make. If your marriage is worth something, anything to you, then you should choose to work together to put out the explosive fires. If not, then you simply walk away and turn your back on the explosion until there is nothing left.

Maybe, after so many explosions in a marriage, a person runs out of energy to put out the fires. You can't fight the battle alone; two have to work together to get the job done.

The hurt can seem never ending, but eventually, the hurt turns into anger, and anger turns into hatred. Hatred towards the person that you made those vows to. It's difficult to let go. To let go of 10 years of your life. To let go of the happy memories and only remember the pain and anguish. A person can only take so much until that anger boils over and you feel hatred towards the person who once made you smile. You can't make someone love you or treat you like you want to be treated. Pretty soon, you have to throw your hands in the air, turn around and walk away, no matter how hard it might be.

...that's what I'm doing. I'm giving up. Throwing in the towel. I hate this person you have become. I've met this person a few times before. I know that eventually, the old you, the one I love and adored and would die for will come back, but this time, I won't be here waiting. I hate this person that you become. This heartless callous glimmer of a man who pushes every thing down deep and continues to spew his daggers at me.

Life is way too short. Any one of us could be gone in the blink of an eye. I'm done crying and being unhappy in my own home. I'm done dealing with the you that you have become. I will always love what you used to be, but that you is gone. The pain I feel is my heart breaking in two and I honestly hate you for doing this to me again. Nothing can fix this now, no apologies or broken promises can mend this heart. I'm moving on.

This is only a test..

Just testing to see if the blogger app will actually let me post something for once? If you see this, it's working.