Life Sucks...and Then You Die

The subject line pretty much sums it up. I'm just having a really bad day today and am realizing how much it sucks not having any good friends to talk to about it. I have no one to talk to. No one. I sure as Hell can't talk to my husband about anything..at all. He's in his own little world that I'm not a part of any more.

I posted something on Facebook earlier tonight about how much it sucks not having anyone to talk to. Within minutes, I started getting texts from people asking if I'm ok. I guess I should be glad that they care but part of me feels like they don't take time to talk to me any other day of the week but now I'm supposed to dump everything on them, and now they wanna act like they care?

Some days, I just feel so alone and like I have no one. Like I'm stuck in this little box all by myself, invisible to my husband and to everyone else. I don't know what my future holds for me right now but sure as Hell feel like my existence here is futile.

Internetless Me

I am internetless at the moment. To be honest it really hasn't been that bad. I can blog from my phone, although, this post will probably take me awhile because my thumbs will begin hurting pretty soon! So, I will probably save it and come back to it. I have some posts on my work at home blog that I can't do from my phone. I can check my emails and get on facebook but can't figure out how to log onto my fan page as an admin! So, I also can't check msgs or anything on my two fan pages...one for my blog and one for my crafting business. Grr.. plus I get a headache staring at my phone screen after awhile. Ugh, hopefully this wont last much longer. I have gotten a lot of shit done though with the internet beckoning my name... I've been making more jewelry to sell, been working on my book, and reading a book...not the same book and not at the same time. Ahem. It is driving me crazy though that I can't get online to work and make some money! Blah... but this is what life was like 15 years ago when only rich people had computers and what's the internet???? Random note: my kids borrowed space buddies from the library and have been watching it while I've been doing dishes and other stuff. I come into the room after an hour or so and they tell me, "the movie is talking in spanish!"...they had it set on french and have been watching it all this time without knowing one word that they were saying..what the crap?? Im getting back into a summer time routine now despite my days being fucked up with no internet. Im used to the kids being home now throughout the day. Its kinda nice cuz they are older and they ask me if they can make their own lunches.... sure! Go for it, I say! As long as they are happy with cold sandwiches or microwave stuff... makes my day easier and they think it's great that they can make their own foods, even if they don't look very appetizing to me! Before I know it, it will be back to school again and then my routine will be all fucked up again. Im a planner and have a daily routine usually...and I feel like everything is in shambles when my routine gets fucked up. Ocd? As I said, I have been working more on my book. I get so involved in it and it's crazy the memories that pop up in my head. Some of them I had not thought of in years but when I'm in that writing zone, it all comes back to me. There are some things that I am leaving out because some are just TOO private that I don't want certain people to know about. I sit down after the kids go to bed, listen to music and just write. I hope people actually find it interesting. The hard part will be figuring out how to get it published and available to sell. I already have plans to make it an ebook to sell online but would love to have a hard copy book to sell. I will have to do some research once it gets closer to being finished. i

Ho Hum

Had a much better week than last week. Have been feeling better most of the week minus a little cough. Have been busy getting ready for our garage sale today. Got rid of a lot of crap but still have a lot of crap left! Trying to sell some of it online and what doesn't get sold will go to the local good will. I hate having crap around that I never use. I refuse to be a hoarder! Today my sinuses have been all fucked up again and I better not be getting sick again! grrrr...

Looks like our internet will be off any moment now. Had a big argument with Time Warner Cable.. hubs was on the phone with them for over an hour going back and forth and back and forth and they were being assfucks so he told them to turn the shit off and we will go elsewhere. So we are changing cable/internet providers but it could be a week or so before it's on (hopefully not much longer!). At first, I was worried about everything being off but it might not be too bad. We got a crap load of DVDs for the kids to watch and maybe I can get more stuff done without being distracted online. Even though I do a lot of shit online trying to earn a few pennies, I admit that I do get distracted some times. I can still get on Facebook and check my emails and everything on my phone.. I just don't like doing that much because it's so much smaller than my laptop screen. I'm going to attempt blogging from my phone. That should be interesting, lol. I'll find shit to do.. if nothing else, I'll get lots of blog posts written up to post at a later time once our internet is back up. I'm sure I will also get more stuff done in the house that has needed done.. and get lots of stuff made for our new business. I'm more worried about the kids being bored with nothing to watch on TV except for the same old movies they have already watched a million times! Ohh, I'll also have some time to work on my book! It's a work in progress. I've been working on it for awhile.. actually, I took a break from working on it. I go back and forth with it and write in it whenever the urge strikes me.

Ooh my old best friend came to our garage sale today with her 3 teenage kids. The same kids that I remember her being pregnant with and bouncing them on my knee when they were toddlers! What the crap? where did the time go?? That's so insane. I know that before I know it, my kids will be that age! Eeeek! But anyway, it was good to see her and her kiddos again. I miss her being around to talk to. This is the person that I was best friends with for almost 20 years until we had a disagreement 3 years ago. When my grandmother passed, she came to the funeral and we began talking a bit but it's nothing like how we used to be. She's just a part of my past, I guess. Do you ever stop and think about how many people ARE a part of your past? Friends. Relationships. Family members that are gone. Even though we miss them, they will always be a part of our past and in our memory forever. Even the ones that we are glad to have out of our present, will always live in our past. I've re-connected with a lot of people from my past via Facebook but it's just not the same.

PYHO: Sometimes All I Want...

It's been awhile...



Sometimes, all I want is for you to give me a hug and tell me that everything will be ok.

Sometimes, all I want is for you to kiss me just because you want to, not because you want to get something from me.

Sometimes, all I want is for you to grab my hand.

Sometimes, all I want is to be able to tell you all about my day like I used to.

Sometimes, all I want is for you to be my best friend again.

Sometimes, all I want is for you to put down your phone and put everything else aside and make ME a priority.

Sometimes, all I want is your time.

Sometimes, all I want is for you to hold me in your arms where I used to feel the safest.

Sometimes, all I want is for you to call me "baby" again.

Sometimes, all I want is to have fun and laugh with you like we used to.

Sometimes, I wish I could erase all of the hurt you have caused me.

Sometimes, all I want is for my heart to feel the way it used to.

Sometimes, all I want is for this resentment to go away.

Sometimes, all I want is to hear you say "I'm sorry".

Sometimes, I want all of these things. Other times, I just want to kick you in the nuts.

Friday Night and a Crappy Week

It's Friday night and I am hella bored, and this cheap ass vodka I have just is not doing the trick! Sooo, here I am! *wink*

What a shitty ass week. I spent the whole memorial day weekend feeling like poo. Thought it was a sinus infection, I had the stuffy nose, pounding headache, watery eyes..etc.. Then it moved to my chest and has been stuck there all week. Every time I would attempt to take a deep breath or do anything that remotely  made me breathe harder, I would cough up a lung.. and cough, and cough. My sides hurt from coughing so much. I didn't get to work out or do anything I wanted to this week. AND it was also the first week of the kids' summer break. Yay. Sooo not only feeling miserable, also having to deal with kids whining about being bored or fighting with each other, or just being loud and obnoxious and acting like I'm invisible when I yell shut up! ask them nicely to be quiet. Funny thing is, I posted about it yesterday on Facebook saying how it needed to go away. I think the FB godz were looking down on me because literally like a few hours later, I began feeling better. What the crud? I still have a little cough but it's not like I was. The kids were upset with me because I promised them a bike ride.. but shit, I think I woulda passed out if I attempted that this week. So I've been trying to keep the kids busy this week doing stuff that has needed done for awhile, like giving their rooms good scrubbings, going through old clothes..etc., and going through toys deciding what to sell in our garage sale next weekend. It rained and was chilly and crappy most of today and they were driving me nuts!! All of their teachers sent home summer homework (I don't remember having summer homework??) and if they finish it, they get a prize at the beginning of the new school year, so I had them working on that today but they still drove me nuts!! They weren't able to get outside and run off their energy!

I think I'm going to start doing more photo posts on this blog. I know for awhile I was doing the "sunday snaps" thing but I want to be able to post pics and then write about their meanings or what they are. I love photography, capturing a moment in time, and want to share it here.. because, well, sometimes I just run out of crap to talk about! lol.. I don't know how regular the posts will be but be expecting them!

Hubs is moving to second shift next week. Second shift sucks ass but I really think it will be a good thing. For one thing, it means more money. For another thing, it means I can get a part time job during the day and not have to worry about daycare or a vehicle, until I can get mine fixed.. plus we will be able to do more things during the day. It will just take some getting used to. Worst part is going to be that it is summer time so the kids will be home in the mornings when he is trying to sleep. Luckily, he can usually sleep through anything.

Anyway, here's to hoping that next week is a better week. Cheers!