Why I Support Marijuana Legalization

I first smoked pot when I was 17 years old at a concert. I enjoyed it but of course, had no idea what I was really doing! lol... After I graduated high school, I used it a lot more just for the pure enjoyment of getting high.. and ohhhh how I enjoyed it. As I got older, I began to see the real value of Marijuana and not just the enjoyment of being high. I began actually reading up about Marijuana use and the pros and cons of it in comparison to drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes. I'm not going to quote what researchers have said or what studies have proven.. I'm just going to give you my experience and opinion.

I remember the first time I heard about the benefits of Marijuana was with a friend of mine's boyfriend at the time..  He had some serious stomach issues that he dealt with.. I mean, to the point where he couldn't leave the house because he never knew when he was going to have an attack and he would be in excruciating pain, vomiting non stop for hours. He even had to quit his job and go on disability because of it. He had gone to various hospitals around the state including Cleveland Clinic and no one could figure out what was wrong with him or how to treat him. All they could do was try various medications that never worked and give him high doses of narcotics to try to ease the pain. He was on Oxycontin and just about every other pain pill you could think of. He grew resistant to these narcotics quickly and it wouldn't be long before they stopped working. The only thing that gave him any sort of relief was Marijuana.

Then I remember watching Montel Williams talk about Marijuana. Montel has M.S. (I think that's what it is) and he said the doctors had him on numerous pain pills but none of them worked. He said if it wasn't for Marijuana he wouldn't have been able to continue doing his talk show for as long as he did.

I began reading information about N.O.R.M.L. and about legalization of weed. I met my husband and he also had a lot of stomach problems (after years of testing, was finally diagnosed with IBS).. he would be up almost every single night vomiting, and the only thing that could calm his stomach was Marijuana.. not the hundreds of medications that doctors had given to him.

I suffer from severe Depression. I have been on medication for about 3 years. The medication helps a lot, but it also comes with a shit load of side effects that I really fucking hate. Before I was on the medication, I always felt like my head was out of control. I cried all the time. I couldn't control my emotions at all. My body would become tense and I couldn't calm myself down at all. Marijuana was the only thing that could calm my nerves and help me to stop crying. It relaxed me and helped me to see things differently even after the "high" wore off.

My husband and I both have problems sleeping. Sometimes my brain never wants to turn off.. or I will wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to fall back to sleep. I've taken various PM meds and sleeping aids but they didn't always work and some of them had some annoying side effects. If I smoked Marijuana before bed, I would sleep all night long and wake up feeling like I had the best sleep ever.

I smoked Marijuana for the first few months that I went to college. I had As in every class. But wait, I thought if you smoke it, it kills brain cells????? Hmmmmm

We quit smoking weed a few years ago. For a few reasons, one was because of the cost, and another reason was because of the kids, and me being paranoid. We never, ever smoked it in front of the kids, only when they were not home or when they were asleep. It always made me paranoid though that we were going to get caught and get in trouble and have our kids taken away.

When we quit, there were no withdrawal symptoms. I wasn't craving it or sitting their biting my finger nails trying to figure out how I can get more! I think it CAN be addictive to people who have addictive personalities.. but if someone already has that kind of personality, they can become addicted to anything.

I still read up on a lot of new research that comes out on Marijuana and I've written quite a few articles on the subject:

The Pros and Cons of Marijuana Use... Is It Safer?

The Benefits of Legalizing Marijuana

I wish I could smoke again.. I do. Even though my meds help, I still have my bad days. Days that I just want to run away and my mind feels out of control. Now, I just have to ride it out instead of get and kind of relief. My kids see me like this... but I can't have the help that I need.

These are just the positive things I have experienced from Marijuana, not even the other numerous benefits it has that I'm not even going to list here. I mean, if they can make it legal for Medical reasons, why shouldn't it be legal completely? Why is alcohol legal? It shouldn't be!! How many people are killed in one year by alcohol whether it be drunk driving or alcohol poisoning? People get mean and evil when they are drunk. When someone is high, they just relax and enjoy the people they are with, drama free. OH, that reminds me. My husband used to work with a kid (he was 18) years ago who had severe ADD. I mean, this kid couldn't sit still, couldn't stop talking, he was actually a bit annoying because of it. He was on meds, but they obviously didnt help. What helped? Marijuana. As soon as he would smoke, he would calm down completely.. and he was actually fun to hang out with. It was as if he became a completely different person.

Marijuana doesn't make you stupid. Not everyone who uses it is a loser that sits at home in their mommy and daddy's basement acting like a dumbass. I know people who have professional high paying jobs (even government jobs) that come home from work and smoke. No one knows or even suspects because they maintain their appearance, personality, and smarts.

I would much rather smoke Marijuana than drink alcohol. I don't like drinking alcohol that much. It makes my stomach feel full and bloated... and I usually feel like shit the next day. (No one has ever had a weed hang over!). I like common sense. I do. It makes absolutely NO sense to me why alcohol is legal and Marijuana is not. Even the negative side effects of alcohol are worse than Marijuana. How does this even makes sense? Hmm.. Marijuana has hundreds of benefits and almost no negative side effects but it's illegal. Alcohol has no benefits and hundreds of negative side effects.. but yet it is legal. Why is our country spending soo much money on keeping it illegal and putting people in prison for using Marijuana where there are sooo many worse things things in the world?? Maybe our leaders need to put down their glass of Scotch, Cocaine, and hookers,  and pick up a blunt to experience it for themselves.

Invisible Pain

I'm feeling the need to write tonight. Like I need to pour my heart out but yet I can't put my finger on WHAT exactly I feel like writing about. So, I've been just sitting here staring at a blank page for a few minutes.. I would go look at Facebook for a minute, then come back and stare for a few minutes. Just feeling annoyed tonight and antsy. I'm going to go focking crazy if I don't get out of this house soon and have some FUN. I need laughter in my life, it's something that has been lacking for awhile; it used to be one of my favorite hobbies. Laughing so hard that I was crying. Laughing so hard that the muscles in my stomach were getting tight and I'm trying to STOP laughing because it hurts so bad but I can't stop laughing because it's so fucking funny! I need a laugh like that! I miss laughing. I miss spending time with friends. I miss having someone to laugh with. Lord knows I don't laugh with my husband any more. We used to laugh together.. a lot. Now, we are just.. here... rotting. ... I feel stuck in my life right now. I feel like I'm stuck at home every fucking day. I feel like a fucking maid because all I do is clean up after everyone else, even my 34 year old husband who can't even pick up his own shit or stop putting trash on my shit that I just fucking cleaned off and straightened up two fucking days ago. I feel like that is all I'm here for; to be a damned maid. I feel excluded from my husband's life. Everything else is a priority in his life while I'm just pushed to the back and forgotten. I'm lost.

I STILL have no vehicle. Mine is still radiator-less. So, I really am stuck. I can't find a fucking job, even if I got one now, I have no fucking transportation! I feel like a caged animal banging my head on the steel bars trying to get out but the bars won't budge. I need to find a way to escape and run away without ever looking back.. but I have to look back. I have 3 children. I'm a mother. .. of human beings! I'm their mother. I'm their mommy. They look up to me. They love me even when I lose my temper and yell at them. They give me hugs when they know I'm sad... but yet, they drive me insane on a regular basis. They argue. Alll... the.. time. My youngest son seems to think he doesn't have to listen to me at all. He doesn't care what punishment he gets, whether it's time out or taking a toy away, or even a spanking.. he doesn't care. I finally did my first "grounding" last week with him. Since he's 7, being grounded meant that he couldn't go outside and play.. because he and his twin sister play with the neighbor kids most evenings. He's not liking the grounding thing though so maybe this will work eventually, once he realizes that I'm following through with it and that if I tell him he is grounded for the day it means HE IS GROUNDED!

My kids need me. Even if it means being locked up in a cage. It's not too shabby here in the cage but I still need to get out of here once in awhile. Right now I'm really not enjoying life very much.. and I want to. I know how it feels to enjoy life; it's a feeling I haven't known for very long but I have felt it. I want that feeling back. I want to be happy again.

 

Spring Fever!

Spring sprung for a little while. We were having days with temperatures in the 70s and even 80s, in flippin March! But now tomorrow it's supposed to be in the 50s, which I'll take any day over 30s and cold! I got in the spring cleaning mood because of the weather and have been cleaning the house from top to bottom, washing windows, everything. Seems to be taking me awhile to get it done though since I have to stop to earn some money and do other crap around the house. It'll feel so much better when it's all done though.

I got my bike out last week which I haven't had out since last summer, and I think last summer I only rode it a few times. We've gone for quite a few bike rides so far and I'm loving it! I am enjoying getting out in the beautiful weather and being active! I've had cabin fever sooo bad especially with not having a vehicle right now. My husband goes back to first shift tomorrow so I'll again be stuck at home all day long again.

Another no call after a job interview. I even called her to check on it; I just left a voicemail but she didn't call me back. This is seriously giving me a complex. This is like my 4th or 5th interview now, only to get my hopes up, waste time, and waste gas and get nothing in the end. What the fuck?? Seriously? I finally DID something to better my life by going back to school and getting my degree.. but now I can't get a fucking job? Some days I feel like someone out in outerspace or wherever must really hate me even though I'm a good person and treat people right, I can't get a fucking break. None. Am I going to have to go to fucking McDonald's to get a damned job?? FFFAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

I seriously cant think of anything interesting that happened to me this week to even blog about. Is my life that boring? The Chocolate and Whipped Cream flavored vodka(s) are helping tonight to make my night a little more interesting. Ahh Hell, who am I kidding, I'll be asleep before 10:30.

My 100 Comments Best Ofs

Last month, I participated in a blog commenting "hop" of sorts organized by Blogelina . Whoever was interested, signed up and then each person was sent a list of 100 blogs to go comment on and you would get a bunch of comments in return. I tried to get to as many comments as I could, but WOW it takes a lot of time to go through and read and comment on 100 different blogs! Some of them, I didn't even know what to comment on because it was something I wasn't interested in or that I thought was boring... I dug my way through the list, though.

My The Real Me post was the one that I submitted to get comments on. I got a whopping 86 comments on that post, I was ecstatic! Thank you to anyone who left a comment; I took most of them to heart and appreciated the kinds words. I went through and read all 86 comments. Most of them were very supportive! Many of you told me that you knew where I was coming from and that you were a lot like me, others offered to be my friend, while some assured me that God loves me, and then some just left "nice post" as their comment. Really, people? If you can't leave a thoughtful comment then don't bother leaving one at all!

I wish I could respond to all 86 comments individually, but I actually have a life outside of the blogging world, lol. Soo, I went through and picked out some of my favorites and ones that I just really felt that I needed to respond to.

MJ said...
I think you're brave to admit publicly, on the interwebz and all, some of the things that many of us think in our heads but never verbalize.

For me, I find that I have different layers, some people don't get all of the layers.

One thing that I believe though is the whole people come and go from your life for a reason, it is kind of cheesy but it's true. I try not to begrudge those that have moved on, because we're just headed in different directions.

I often get thought of as a bitch, because I'm not super friendly all the time, and while I can be a bitch, it's usually just because I don't ever want to push my way into a conversation uninvited, so I'm usually waiting to see if they want to engage. 

Wow, I thought I was the only one who did this. If I see a friend but they are talking to someone else, I will just stand back and wait until one of them walks away because I don't want to be rude, even though other people do it all the time!

Amanda @ Ninth Street Notions said...
Good friends are hard to find. But just because someone disappoints us a time or two doesn't mean they aren't a good friend. I'm sure all of us can think of times where we've disappointed others. 

Right, I know that no one is perfect and I'm certainly not. But after sooo many disappointments, you get tired of just looking the other way. I think after so long, you become resentful.

Angi said...
Besides my husband, my mom, and my two boys, I have no close friends. The few I have had over the years follow a different path than the one I choose so we part ways.

And I'm not huge on talking to strangers either. But I seriously love people watching. It's my favorite past time. People are crazy! 

Ha! I LOVE to just sit and watch people. We all live and act so differently, I love to sit and watch how strangers act. It's like a real life reality show but they don't realize that I'm watching them.

RuralMama said...
Thank you for being REAL! I've had some of the same issues you have and just this past year got the help I needed, mostly because of my pride. I was too proud to be on antidepressants, I was too proud to admit I wasn't happy (for no good reason), I was too proud to admit I couldn't fix everything my way, I was too proud to let go of the "control" I thought I had over my life. I have to say, life makes a lot more sense now and I am happy and content. I've always loved my husband and my girls, I just appreciate them and the little things a lot more and tend not to "invent" things in my head (like you mentioned as well)

Thanks again for the wonderful post! 

I have quite a few friends (and a husband at one time) just like you. They would not get help for their depression because they thought they didn't need it or they didn't want to depend on a chemical. I tried explaining to them what a difference it can make in their life but do they listen? Nope. Sometimes our brains lack certain chemicals that the body needs. I much prefer taking a pill every day over hating myself and my life and being miserable.

Cambria said...
Life can be so rough at times, but it sounds like you've overcome a lot of it, which is awesome! Congrats on learning to talk to others and graduating from college! It's hard to find loyal people, I guess we can only expect from others as much as we are going to give. Good luck to finding a new best friend! 

Sometimes though, we give but don't receive the same in return. When only one person does all of the giving, you have to give up after awhile.


*if you would like me to remove your name/link, feel free to leave a comment and I will remove it!

70s and ICU

This week went by super quick. Hubs and I are getting along, but it's only because we have avoided talking about anything that needs talked about. I know this doesn't solve anything so I'm kinda waiting for the next explosion. I'm enjoying the peace for now.

The weather has been absolutely awesome this week. It's only the middle of March and already in the 70s. Does this ever happen??? I don't ever remember digging out summer clothes in March. I'm loving it though. I have been taking advantage of this weather by taking the dog for a walk around the reservoir. I love it there, it's so peaceful and I love that it is right next to railroad tracks. I grew up living just a few blocks from railroad tracks so I remember always hearing a train in the background when I was outdoors or at night time. Once we moved away from there, I missed the sound of the trains. When I was younger, I used to take the Amtrak to visit friends in PA and Chicago. I remember attempting to sleep on the train listening to the click-clack of the train. I'm again living just a few blocks from a busy railroad track and I love the sound of the trains, especially at night time. It gives me a sense of comfort and reminds me of my childhood. It's been awesome with the windows open the past few days so that the trains are super loud. Anyway, so yeah, the reservoir is right next to the tracks and yesterday a train came by right as we were on that side of the reservoir. Our poor dog kept crouching down like he was afraid of it. I loved the sound though!

I had a job interview Wednesday at a local hospital in the ICU. It pays reallllly good but the hours would be rough.. 12 hour shifts. It would be difficult to work things out with my husband's job and having someone to watch the kids at such early hours. I think we could figure it out though ... this could be a great opportunity for me.. but I'm trying not to really get my hopes up too high. I've had interviews before and never hear anything back from them. I hope I made a good impression. She was hiring for 4 diff. positions and was soooo super busy running the ICU and was super scatter brained because of everything. She was hoping to make a decision by the end of the week but as busy as she was, I doubt that happened. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed though.

I'm throwing myself a party for my birthday next month. Haha.. well, we needed some reason to have another get together. I'm super excited about it and I hope lots of people can come. I need to be around some friends and have some liquor laughter in this house.

WEEKLY DOSE

PYHO: Going Forward In Reverse...

I always loved that quote, but now I can actually use it! Now the question is, does anyone know what it is from?? hmmmmm....

I've been down and out lately and just not myself. Some of you may have read my Happily Never After post about things going on in my marriage. After much kicking and screaming (from both of us), he finally admitted that he resents me for not working in all the time we have been married. Now, many of you may not know that I've been working from home since 2005. Up until about a year ago, I was making around the same amount of money, if not more than I would have at a part time job outside of the home. I  spent many hours every day working online. I had a few jobs that were scheduled hours where I had to be there, and I had jobs that were not scheduled, but I worked as much as possible for the $$. I did this on top of taking care of 3 young children (before they were all in school full days), housework, and even going to college. BUT, he resents me because he was working and we still struggled to pay bills. Since I graduated college, I have been busting my ass applying for jobs. I've applied to probably at least 100 places. I lost count a long time ago. I've had a few interviews, but nothing comes out of them but disappointment and wasted gas. He was on worker's compensation from an injury and just went back to work at the end of November. Most weeks, I had less than a quarter tank of gas in my car but I applied everywhere, emailed resumes...etc.. I was getting really depressed about not finding a job, wondering what is wrong with me. Is it because I'm fat? Am I doing something wrong in the interviews? Even though I know it really boils down to experience and even though I have the education, I don't have that much experience apart from the 160 externship hours. I was just really hating myself and feeling like a loser who couldn't even find a job. Due to the other problems we were having which I wrote about in the link up there ^ , I couldn't talk to him about how I felt or how much I was hating myself. Instead of him sitting down and talking to me like an adult, he would make shitty little comments about me not having a job, and saying that I wasn't trying hard enough and that you can't find a job from home. (Even though, the majority of job listings now say, "apply online" or "email your resume to") but because I wasn't physically going into places like McDonalds and asking for a application, I wasn't really trying.

And now we are to the point of not even really talking to one another. We have been through this before. Instead of discussing things, he just avoids it all. Ignore it and it will go away on its own. He laughs and has fun pretending everything is perfect while I'm crying in the bedroom, which makes my heart hurt even more. I've been through this pain before and it has ended up with us separating. It's always the same pattern: I begin noticing that he's not being affectionate any more.. I try talking to him about it but he just blows me off saying it's my imagination and that everything is fine. .. but it's not fine. It just escalates and escalates til we are here, at this point, talking about separating. I feel like I'm re-living this nightmare again. I don't know how to deal with this pain. I know this is a problem.. actually, it's our problem. When he hurts me by not showing affection and ignoring the problem, I feel rejected and that I have to find a way to hurt him back, so I say or do hurtful things to him just because I want him to show that he cares, or to show some kind of emotion. He's hurt, but instead of talking to me about anything, he turns into a cold, callous asshat that pretends not to care. Which hurts me more, and I try to hurt him again.. It's a vicious cycle.

We have been to marriage counseling a few times, but we would go for a few sessions and then just get busy with something else and stop going. Yeah, the therapy did point out a few things to both of us, and we worked on them, but we never learned how to communicate. I admit it, I have a problem with criticism. I don't like to hear that I did something wrong or admit that I fucked up. I don't want anyone to be angry with me or hate me. I have a problem saying I'm sorry. It's one of the hardest things for me to say (except when it's to the kids). He deals with things by pushing the hurt down and hiding behind an asshole exterior, while I cry and try to find ways to hurt him back because I"m feeling so hurt. Things go left un-said and then they fester, for years, until we can't take it any longer so we push each other away. Can we break the cycle? If we get through this, is it worth risking it happening again down the road like the vicious cycle that it is? How can my heart and mind deal with it? I can't. My meds can only help so much, but sometimes I'm crying so hard, I feel like I'm going to lose it. I don't want my children seeing me this way. How can the one I love the most, hurt me the most? How do we fix this?

Baked Apples

I've been in a funk the past few days. I don't know what the deal is. I'm just in a blah kind of mood. Not motivated to do anything, not even things I normally enjoy. Kinda down and out feeling... and a little lost. I don't know if it's spring fever or what the deal is. I just know that I'm tired of being stuck in this house all the time. My car is still not fixed and my husband has been working on the weekends, so I'm stuck allll the fuckin' time! I need to get out of this mood though, I don't like it and I'm accomplishing nothing!

Hubs is starting third shift tomorrow night. I'm kinda worried about how he is going to do. First of all, my husband is one of those people that when he is tired, he can not make himself stay asleep. I, on the other hand, can be dog tired but can make myself stay awake if I HAVE to. He worked third shift once.. this was like 5 years ago when we were separated. He said the job was really boring, he just did the same thing over and over and over... he went to the bathroom and fell asleep on the shitter!! (I still call him out on that one!) and the boss had to come in and pound on the door to wake him up! This place had a policy that you couldn't miss any work at all for any reason in your first 30 days.. his boss sent him home and he was fired. ..... The past few months, he's been having some insomnia problems. He falls asleep but then is up after a few hours and can't get back to sleep, which MAY be good for third shift... and his job is way different where he says he doesn't have time to get bored. .. Supposedly, his current supervisor is going to try to get him back on first shift but who knows if he will be able to pull the strings. It's going to be really weird having him gone at night time.. even though it won't make a huge difference to me since he doesn't even sleep in bed with me any more and he hasn't for months. Plus, he will be home during the day. Ehhhh.. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I like my alone time while the kids are at school. I know he will be sleeping for part of it but I'm still not sure how it's going to go. Third shift has its pros and cons. It will be easier for me to get a job this way with him home during the day.. but I don't know how he's going to sleep in the summer time when the kids are not in school!?!?

Yeah, so, that's been about all of the excitement I have had this week. My week has been pretty boring. Some friends and I are trying to plan a girls' night out soon and I am sooo looking forward to that. I need to go out and have some FUN. My life is not much fun this days.

DAILY DOSE