I always loved that quote, but now I can actually use it! Now the question is, does anyone know what it is from?? hmmmmm....
I've been down and out lately and just not myself. Some of you may have read my Happily Never After post about things going on in my marriage. After much kicking and screaming (from both of us), he finally admitted that he resents me for not working in all the time we have been married. Now, many of you may not know that I've been working from home since 2005. Up until about a year ago, I was making around the same amount of money, if not more than I would have at a part time job outside of the home. I spent many hours every day working online. I had a few jobs that were scheduled hours where I had to be there, and I had jobs that were not scheduled, but I worked as much as possible for the $$. I did this on top of taking care of 3 young children (before they were all in school full days), housework, and even going to college. BUT, he resents me because he was working and we still struggled to pay bills. Since I graduated college, I have been busting my ass applying for jobs. I've applied to probably at least 100 places. I lost count a long time ago. I've had a few interviews, but nothing comes out of them but disappointment and wasted gas. He was on worker's compensation from an injury and just went back to work at the end of November. Most weeks, I had less than a quarter tank of gas in my car but I applied everywhere, emailed resumes...etc.. I was getting really depressed about not finding a job, wondering what is wrong with me. Is it because I'm fat? Am I doing something wrong in the interviews? Even though I know it really boils down to experience and even though I have the education, I don't have that much experience apart from the 160 externship hours. I was just really hating myself and feeling like a loser who couldn't even find a job. Due to the other problems we were having which I wrote about in the link up there ^ , I couldn't talk to him about how I felt or how much I was hating myself. Instead of him sitting down and talking to me like an adult, he would make shitty little comments about me not having a job, and saying that I wasn't trying hard enough and that you can't find a job from home. (Even though, the majority of job listings now say, "apply online" or "email your resume to") but because I wasn't physically going into places like McDonalds and asking for a application, I wasn't really trying.
And now we are to the point of not even really talking to one another. We have been through this before. Instead of discussing things, he just avoids it all. Ignore it and it will go away on its own. He laughs and has fun pretending everything is perfect while I'm crying in the bedroom, which makes my heart hurt even more. I've been through this pain before and it has ended up with us separating. It's always the same pattern: I begin noticing that he's not being affectionate any more.. I try talking to him about it but he just blows me off saying it's my imagination and that everything is fine. .. but it's not fine. It just escalates and escalates til we are here, at this point, talking about separating. I feel like I'm re-living this nightmare again. I don't know how to deal with this pain. I know this is a problem.. actually, it's our problem. When he hurts me by not showing affection and ignoring the problem, I feel rejected and that I have to find a way to hurt him back, so I say or do hurtful things to him just because I want him to show that he cares, or to show some kind of emotion. He's hurt, but instead of talking to me about anything, he turns into a cold, callous asshat that pretends not to care. Which hurts me more, and I try to hurt him again.. It's a vicious cycle.
We have been to marriage counseling a few times, but we would go for a few sessions and then just get busy with something else and stop going. Yeah, the therapy did point out a few things to both of us, and we worked on them, but we never learned how to communicate. I admit it, I have a problem with criticism. I don't like to hear that I did something wrong or admit that I fucked up. I don't want anyone to be angry with me or hate me. I have a problem saying I'm sorry. It's one of the hardest things for me to say (except when it's to the kids). He deals with things by pushing the hurt down and hiding behind an asshole exterior, while I cry and try to find ways to hurt him back because I"m feeling so hurt. Things go left un-said and then they fester, for years, until we can't take it any longer so we push each other away. Can we break the cycle? If we get through this, is it worth risking it happening again down the road like the vicious cycle that it is? How can my heart and mind deal with it? I can't. My meds can only help so much, but sometimes I'm crying so hard, I feel like I'm going to lose it. I don't want my children seeing me this way. How can the one I love the most, hurt me the most? How do we fix this?