I've been down and out lately and just not myself. Some of you may have read my Happily Never After post about things going on in my marriage. After much kicking and screaming (from both of us), he finally admitted that he resents me for not working in all the time we have been married. Now, many of you may not know that I've been working from home since 2005. Up until about a year ago, I was making around the same amount of money, if not more than I would have at a part time job outside of the home. I spent many hours every day working online. I had a few jobs that were scheduled hours where I had to be there, and I had jobs that were not scheduled, but I worked as much as possible for the $$. I did this on top of taking care of 3 young children (before they were all in school full days), housework, and even going to college. BUT, he resents me because he was working and we still struggled to pay bills. Since I graduated college, I have been busting my ass applying for jobs. I've applied to probably at least 100 places. I lost count a long time ago. I've had a few interviews, but nothing comes out of them but disappointment and wasted gas. He was on worker's compensation from an injury and just went back to work at the end of November. Most weeks, I had less than a quarter tank of gas in my car but I applied everywhere, emailed resumes...etc.. I was getting really depressed about not finding a job, wondering what is wrong with me. Is it because I'm fat? Am I doing something wrong in the interviews? Even though I know it really boils down to experience and even though I have the education, I don't have that much experience apart from the 160 externship hours. I was just really hating myself and feeling like a loser who couldn't even find a job. Due to the other problems we were having which I wrote about in the link up there ^ , I couldn't talk to him about how I felt or how much I was hating myself. Instead of him sitting down and talking to me like an adult, he would make shitty little comments about me not having a job, and saying that I wasn't trying hard enough and that you can't find a job from home. (Even though, the majority of job listings now say, "apply online" or "email your resume to") but because I wasn't physically going into places like McDonalds and asking for a application, I wasn't really trying.
And now we are to the point of not even really talking to one another. We have been through this before. Instead of discussing things, he just avoids it all. Ignore it and it will go away on its own. He laughs and has fun pretending everything is perfect while I'm crying in the bedroom, which makes my heart hurt even more. I've been through this pain before and it has ended up with us separating. It's always the same pattern: I begin noticing that he's not being affectionate any more.. I try talking to him about it but he just blows me off saying it's my imagination and that everything is fine. .. but it's not fine. It just escalates and escalates til we are here, at this point, talking about separating. I feel like I'm re-living this nightmare again. I don't know how to deal with this pain. I know this is a problem.. actually, it's our problem. When he hurts me by not showing affection and ignoring the problem, I feel rejected and that I have to find a way to hurt him back, so I say or do hurtful things to him just because I want him to show that he cares, or to show some kind of emotion. He's hurt, but instead of talking to me about anything, he turns into a cold, callous asshat that pretends not to care. Which hurts me more, and I try to hurt him again.. It's a vicious cycle.
We have been to marriage counseling a few times, but we would go for a few sessions and then just get busy with something else and stop going. Yeah, the therapy did point out a few things to both of us, and we worked on them, but we never learned how to communicate. I admit it, I have a problem with criticism. I don't like to hear that I did something wrong or admit that I fucked up. I don't want anyone to be angry with me or hate me. I have a problem saying I'm sorry. It's one of the hardest things for me to say (except when it's to the kids). He deals with things by pushing the hurt down and hiding behind an asshole exterior, while I cry and try to find ways to hurt him back because I"m feeling so hurt. Things go left un-said and then they fester, for years, until we can't take it any longer so we push each other away. Can we break the cycle? If we get through this, is it worth risking it happening again down the road like the vicious cycle that it is? How can my heart and mind deal with it? I can't. My meds can only help so much, but sometimes I'm crying so hard, I feel like I'm going to lose it. I don't want my children seeing me this way. How can the one I love the most, hurt me the most? How do we fix this?
8 comments:
I am so sorry things are so hard for you. I can relate about the job hunt thingy it's hard...so hard...I hope things will improve for you and your husband.
Relationships are tough and communication is really important. You aren't alone in struggles for sure...if its worth fighting for though...stick on your boxing gloves :O)
What a difficult thing to go through. I hope that you two can work things out. xo
Visiting from PYHO. I can't honestly relate. It breaks my heart that you are having such a hard time. Keep your head high!
Relationships and marriage are tough. I can relate to a lot of what you say in your post. My husband and I go through a similar pattern of non-communication and it's the most frustrating thing in the world. I'm not sure what the next step for us is but it's hard and scary, particularly when there are kids involved. I hope that you are able to find the right answer for *you* and what you need. xoxo
Sorry things are so hard right now. Hoping the two of you make it through. Just think 5 years from now, you'll be able to look back at a time you were able to get through. Together. Marriage is work. But the payout is high. :)
My husband and I go through a similar pattern and it sucks. I really don't have answers, but you are not alone. I hope you will find peace and happiness soon.
In the previous post that you linked to, I went into my previous relationship a bit. My ex did the same thing when I was out of work and stayed at home applying online. It was because he had always worked in service type positions, where it was seen as more professional to go to each place, talk to the manager, etc etc. In an office job, or even healthcare, your experience and credentials are what they look at first. I understand that struggle, and to be honest, since his experience is so completely different, he may never see what it is that you must do to get work.
As for the vicious circle you both seem to be going in....we were in one of those too. It took more over 3 years to finally decide that I just wasn't going to play all that anymore. I'm not saying that you should leave, but when it eventually comes to one end or another, the decision to refuse to continue in that vicious circle is what will give you the strength and ability to follow through with whatever decision you make.
I really hope you two can come to some kind of solution, whether that means staying together or not. It's so hard to deal with the kinds of feelings you're trying to deal with everyday and even harder to try and not let the kids or other family see it. You are worth more than living with such pain and heartache every day. Your children deserve a happy mom who feel loved and respected and appreciated by whoever her partner is.
If you ever need to talk to anyone...you know how to reach me.
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