When I'm out in public, I'm typically pretty quiet and shy. I kind of sit back and watch everyone else. I listen to their conversations and just take it all in. I used to be painfully shy.. I mean, painfully! I wouldn't talk to anyone unless they talked to me first. I had such low self esteem, I felt that no one would WANT to talk to me because I'm fat. I've gotten better over the last 10 years, especially when I went back to college. There were many times that I made the first move and started up a conversation with a complete stranger, which was soo out of my comfort zone, but guess what? No one said, "eww, don't talk to me fat girl!" and it felt good doing something out of my comfort zone and succeeding!
I do have my days where I'm in a really bad mood. Watch out on those days though! Those days, I may not be able to keep my trap shut if someone does or says something that I don't agree with. I'm usually quiet and polite unless someone has pissed me off.
I've suffered from severe depression for years since I was a teenager, but just finally got help for it a few years ago. This medication has saved my life. Before I got on meds, I was an absolute mess. I cried all the time at home; I cried when I was sad or mad. I was super sensitive and took everything the wrong way or I concocted these insane scenarios in my head, such as if my husband was late getting home from work, I just knew he was screwing his coworker. This caused a lot of problems in our marriage. I was always angry and took it out on my husband.
I've changed a lot since getting on my medication. I do have some bad days where I'm either super sensitive and cry at every little thing (usually around that time of the month) or some days I wake up in a pissed off mood and feel like there is smoke coming out of my head. I hate those days, absolutely hate them.
People make comments about me being so quiet and shy. I sometimes worry that people think I'm a flake or a snob when it's just my shyness. I can be a bitch at times. I can be moody. I yell and become impatient with my kids at times. I'm a bitch to my husband sometimes. I cry over stupid shit sometimes.
It takes awhile for anyone to get to know the REAL me. The real me has a huge heart. I cry when I see an old couple holding hands or animal being hurt. When I let someone into my life, I expect them to stay there! When it comes to friendships, I usually try to make some sort of attempt to keep the friendship alive, whether it be to suggest a night out or just chit chatting. I get hurt when people don't do the same for me or they don't hold my friendship as high as I hold theirs.
I don't even have a "best friend" right now. People always seem to disappoint me in the end. Even people that I've known for most of my life do things that surprise me. Some days, I feel like I don't want to make new friends and I'm better off just taking care of my own where it's safe. I don't know if I want anyone else to know the REAL me. Do they deserve it?
90 comments:
Good friends are few and far between! But I guess it could be said that as much as people disappoint us, we could be disappointing them equally as much.
I can relate to being my "realest" when I'm with my husband ~ he has definitly become my best friend.
I could have so easily written this post! The first couple of paragraphs sounds just like the things I say. It was actually almost kind of scary. Have you been living in my head?! :)
How wonderful that you have gotten the help you needed to deal with your depression. I'm with you no matter how many friends we have in this world we usually keep one or two that we truly trusted who knows who we really are. :) Great post!
I used to be very introverted. I often got mistaken for a bitch. When really, I just needed to sit back a little instead of being in the middle of things.
I've changed quite a lot, but I still can't be "on" all the time.
It's so nice when I can find someone who understands the real me.
This was very insightful. I don't have a best friend either but it's because I don't do drama. I'm a straight forward person and tend to lose friends just by telling them I don't want to hear their crap.
I'm a mother. I don't have time for petty games. I just look at it that I'm better off without 'em.
It's good that you can accept the things you've done and learn to change them. Few people care to change.
I think you're brave to admit publicly, on the interwebz and all, some of the things that many of us think in our heads but never verbalize.
For me, I find that I have different layers, some people don't get all of the layers.
One thing that I believe though is the whole people come and go from your life for a reason, it is kind of cheesy but it's true. I try not to begrudge those that have moved on, because we're just headed in different directions.
I often get thought of as a bitch, because I'm not super friendly all the time, and while I can be a bitch, it's usually just because I don't ever want to push my way into a conversation uninvited, so I'm usually waiting to see if they want to engage.
Wow - I love your honesty! With that honesty - why don't people know the real you? :) Be YOU girl! Because the "real" you is something special!!
I have lived a life that's included shyness, depression, suicidal thoughts, loneliness, friend-less-ness, and more. But through it all, I've learned so much about myself, about life, about others, about truth versus lies and more!
I can say today that I like myself! I don't have that "best friend" that I had in highschool or that I thought I would have through my adult years, but I've learned how we all are so different in how we view and come at relationships. My 11 year old daughter Meg is sooo different from me! I would have 1 or 2 best friends and that would make me happy. To Meg - EVEYRONE is her "best friend"! :) She loves having lots of friends and is a constant encourager . . . but doesn't necessarily have just a couple really close friends. That's ok. We are all different! This world needs all types of people!
I have had to relearn just "how" to make friends as an adult (it seems so much easier for kids!). I've had to learn that some friends are here for a season, a reason or for life. And it's ok to let go of the ones in the 1st two categories.
I've also learned something that was on a trivet my granddad had - "To have a friend - be one". Wise advice!
We tend to view others the way we view ourselves and based on our history (how we were treated, our disappointments, wounds, how we were loved, etc). As I've gotten healing for things in my life and have learned to love myself more - I find it becomes easier and easier to love others in return! :)
As for this once shy girl . . . people who know me now are always every surprised to find that I used to be shy! :) It's taken effort to come out of that shell of fear of rejection, etc . . . but it's been worth it!
Blessings to ya girl! Keep being YOU! Find the real you inside - the gem that you are - the gold that's been hiding under the depression, anger and shyness . . . and let the world see the GREATNESS that is in you!! :)
Be a blessing - because you are! :)
Dea,
What honesty-brava. You are awfully hard on yourself, you simply sound... human. It takes such bravery for each of us to step out every day, it's not easy. You are to be congratulated for taking care of yourself and dealing with your depression. You should give yourself permission to step out of your comfort zone more often. Perhaps you'll discover that's where you belong?
Peace and good to you on your journey,
Chelle
Thank you for your post. I can relate to a lot of it, but really....I just want to give you a hug. Good luck with your blog. It takes a lot of strength to write down what most people are feeling but don't verbalize. It can be oddly therapeutic!
It's good to hear that you've gotten some help and you have a great family. Try not to be too hard on the family because when push comes to shove, they've got your back! Keep smiling and keep loving!
Good friends are hard to find. But just because someone disappoints us a time or two doesn't mean they aren't a good friend. I'm sure all of us can think of times where we've disappointed others.
I learned long ago that I don't allow people who have hurt me to interrupt my life. If that were the case, than evil would win, and good would be forgotten.
I'll be your friend.
You are good, and should never feel forgotten.
HUGS!
Thanks for allowing us to get to know the real you through this post.
I tell my children to always be careful who they label as friends. It takes a second to call someone a friend but a lifetime to be one.
I love your honesty and the courage it took for you to go there!! Thanks for sharing your story.
P.S. Love the blog name too!!
I myself am very quiet and shy and cannot start up a conversation with a random stranger let alone someone I know. If its someone I've hung out with numerous times, I will usually ask them how they're doing but that's about as far as it goes.
I too, hope that people don't see me as a snob since I am so shy, but what can you do about it, other than try to get over the fact that you have a fear of speaking because of what others might think about you or what you're saying.
I used to be very shy too! I can remember having to write down topics to talk about before calling a friend. I was so scared of silence- still am, ask my husband! I am also that person that only truly known by their spouse. I gave up sharing my deepest darkest with people because, like you said, they let you down.
Depression is so scary and I'm glad you were able to find help. I recently suffered through a year of post-adoption depression, similar to post-partum. It was the scariest time of my life.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
Thanks for being open and honest with your readers.
I think we all hide behind a facade in some way. We don't let people see the real us. Thanks for being REAL. Good luck with your blog.
I like the title of your post. I also think that you are a Highly Sensitive Person and probably an Introverted person as well. If you want a very interesting read, check out "Introvert Power". It's an awesome book about the strength of being an introvert in an extroverted world.
There's nothing wrong with being shy and quiet. It's a strength!
Good post! Thanks for sharing, and for your honesty.
Your honesty is good, and I'm glad you are finding help with the depression. I'd also say from experience that even though I have a great family, some awesome friends, wonderful husband, etc, there are still needs in my heart and life that only Jesus Christ can fulfill and satisfy. Expecting my family and friends to meet my every need and desire is putting too much of a load on them and sets me up for disappointment sooner or later because each of them is only human! I'd encourage you to draw closer to God by reading His love letter to you {the Bible} and talking to Him . . . and He promises to draw close to you. He is truly, truly the most faithful friend . . . He has called Himself 'the One who sticks closer than a brother'. I pray your soul will find true hope and rest in Him, as well as satisfying human relationships. Blessings on you today!
I have a hard time opening up to new people too. It takes me a long time. Don't give up. Even though there are so many disappointments in this life, there are so many blessings too!
I am pretty shy myself. I feel like I can express myself so much better in writing than I can in person. I have the chance to change my mind and really think out what I want to say when I write. I think people think I'm snobby sometimes because I'm so shy. It takes me a long time to open up. Like years! I've been at my job for six years and I'm just now starting to feel comfortable enough to talk to people on a personal level and not just a business level.
I guess the first thing I want to say is, "I hear you and I understand." You can't build your world on people. Three of my pastors have gone into adultery. I could have let it destroy me but I decided to follow God - not a man. The Bible says God saw you in the womb and it says He has a plan for your life. God believes in you. Believe in yourself, sweetie. Hugs, Deb
So awesome you can be so honest. It is hard to want to step out and make more friends when you have been hurt in the past but I think it is worth the risk. We all need friends in our lives and I truely believe we have the ones we have for a reason and for a season. Some are long term and some are not. Some become toxic and we have to let them go. Then we find gems that just cannot be replaced. Hope you find the gems!
Very good post! It is sometimes hard to find good friends.
Great Post. Really good friends are the ones you aren't looking for.
Besides my husband, my mom, and my two boys, I have no close friends. The few I have had over the years follow a different path than the one I choose so we part ways.
And I'm not huge on talking to strangers either. But I seriously love people watching. It's my favorite past time. People are crazy!
I like what you shared about getting out of your comfort zone by speaking to others first. I've found that to be key to boosting my confidence. I find that I'm usually wrong about what I think others are thinking about me. Now I'm only concerned about what God thinks (He knows the real me)and that has lifted a big weight off my shoulders.
Thank you for being REAL! I've had some of the same issues you have and just this past year got the help I needed, mostly because of my pride. I was too proud to be on antidepressants, I was too proud to admit I wasn't happy (for no good reason), I was too proud to admit I couldn't fix everything my way, I was too proud to let go of the "control" I thought I had over my life. I have to say, life makes a lot more sense now and I am happy and content. I've always loved my husband and my girls, I just appreciate them and the little things a lot more and tend not to "invent" things in my head (like you mentioned as well)
Thanks again for the wonderful post!
It's hard not to put on a different persona for different ppl b/c you want to be received in a way that they can accept. Know what I mean? Some people are sarcastic so I'm sarcastic. Some people are quiet so I'm quiet. It's ok.
Your post and insights are so very true. I wear different personality hats myself. My three long time best girl friends are the one's I let my true self shine out to as well as my hubby.
Business wise I keep discreet and when I'm sitting at my daughter's sporting events I keep my conversations very general. Since unfortunately there are parents out there that get their jollies by knocking other kids athletic abilities. I tend to sit only with my hubby and girlfriend.
Best regards,
Donna
The Golden Pathway Story book Blog
Write What Inspires You Blog
Thanks for sharing. It is hard to be shy, but you have challenged yourself to overcome some of that so way to go. People come and go in your life, and as long as you keep opening the door to new relationships you will keep finding new friends. Bless you!
Thanks for your honesty and pouring your heart. It's great that you've acknowledged you need help and are coping better now. You just got to remember to be the best that you can, not just for anyone else but for yourself. Wishing you all the happiness in the world and may you find your true friends who will stick to you till the end!
I'm a very outgoing person and you've made me pause and have empathy for people who are shy! I think you are right about people taking shyness the wrong way. If it's any help, I think that even us girls with big personalities also have the same struggles with being real and friendships. Thanks for sharing!
Very courageous post - I'm impressed that you felt able to write it! I think it was a great reminder that often "quiet" or "shy" people are just that - quiet or shy and not a snob - something we should all keep in mind!
I was very shy while growing up and people called me snub in high school which affected my social life so much. I've also had people that I got so close to and got really disappointed at the end. Now, I just have my husband and my family. I just like this post. It shows that I'm not alone on this.
I am extremely selective when it comes to friends. That's the ways it should be though. Letting people into your life is not the best thing unless they are reliable, honest, caring, and understanding. All others can just catch a wave.
Love your honesty. We have moved several times in the past few years due to my husband's job and being a shy person it makes it hard for me to develop friendships. My husband knows me unlike anyone else.
Life can be so rough at times, but it sounds like you've overcome a lot of it, which is awesome! Congrats on learning to talk to others and graduating from college! It's hard to find loyal people, I guess we can only expect from others as much as we are going to give. Good luck to finding a new best friend!
People are flawed. Every single person on planet earth is flawed, and every person will disappoint you at one time or another. But there is One who will never let you down. He will stick closer than a brother, and will always be there when you need Him. He created you to be great, and He loves you passionately.
My prayer today is that He makes Himself very real to you! Be blessed.
People are flawed. Every single person on planet earth is flawed, and every person will disappoint you at one time or another. But there is One who will never let you down. He will stick closer than a brother, and will always be there when you need Him. He created you to be great, and He loves you passionately.
My prayer today is that He makes Himself very real to you! Be blessed.
I think there are many people who feel like you do. I've been introverted my whole life, surrounded by extroverts who thought I should act like them. The Internet has really shown me that I'm not the only that feels the same way.
I feel very much like you do... I don't have a best friend any more either ... I have been let down too many times. I am also very loud at home, and incredibly shy and quiet when I am out places. I have also suffered with depression, and it can be really hard. It is great that you have found a way to treat your depression that is working for you.
I think there must be many of us that feel or have felt like you do. True friends are hard to come by. Family and husbands are the ones who stick with us during our good days and bad days.
I used to be way more social but after gaining weight I really got that 'people won't want to talk to me because I'm fat' thing you talked about. I refuse to go anywhere unless I know someone. It can be a real drag. I completely understand the feeling you described.
Friends are a funny concept. I have many friends but few best friends. I have friends I always seek my best advice from and some I go to when I need unconditional support. I guess I see the best aspects of my various friends and focus our friendships on the good. That way I'm not disappointed with my friend whom is really good at being supportive but sucks at being on time or remembering to show up at events for me.
Real genuine friends that are interested in more than just what they can get from a relationship are definitely few and far between. Especially in today's society where everything is about ME! (facebook...twitter...all very narcisistic) But when you find a gem, some one you can trust - someone that loves you for your quirks - ah, that person is to be cherished. Thanks for being so open and honest in such a publc forum! p.s. love the doodle background, so cool.
Congrats for getting help! Good friends are hard to find - I hope you find one soon.
Thanks for giving us a glimpse of the real you. It takes a lot of courage.
Deanna I understand how you feel. I'm happy to have read your post about the real you, glade to know I'm not the only one. My upbringing has taught me to act a certain way in public, to show good face. It sucks b/c I struggle with showing my emotions as an adult. But I have my husband who knows me 100%. Even on my crazy days I know he will not ever leave me.
Tea Todd
I'm still painfully shy! I always worry that I come across as a snob because I don't talk much. I try to talk to people, but I have a hard time even knowing what to say sometimes. My husband is my best friend. Blogging is my voice so to speak - I don't have to worry about what people think and I have time to think of what to say.
Wow you are so honest. I've always had few close friends too so I can relate. My two closest friends are both moving away and I am going thru feeling like I am losing my best friend and dread that the friendships are bound to change with the distance. I am so not looking forward to it.
I think you care more about people than they do about you. You seem like the loving,caring type of person and we need more people like you. I suggest that you don't let those feelings keep you down. You look at all that you accomplished and be extremely proud of it.
It took a number of years for me to believe the saying that "people are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime". Very few, if any, make it into the last category. And I've learned the hard way that my kindergarten teacher was right, I do have to be a friend to get a friend. Nice to read something from a complete stranger that resonates with me. Thanks!
Ive had trouble making friends in the past. Its a lot of work and it seems like people are so busy these days. Recently Ive made a good friend at church who's in my small group. It's so wonderful having someone you can count on.
Thanks for being honest with your post. I have have been blessed with good friends, but I also, have been blessed with some sketchy folks in my life. I say blessed because each time you have a person like that in your life, you learn a little more about yourself and you learn that all people are flawed. Some more than others.
OMGOSH - you stole this post, right out of my head. Just about everything is what I've felt for a long long time.
Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry that you feel this way, but it sure is good to know that someone else is in the same boat with me.
I used to be painfully shy as well, so I know what that's like. Not anymore, now people would never know I was once shy. It was definitely related to how I felt about myself . . . I constantly worried what other people thought of me.
I was intruiged by your last question about whether people deserve to know the real you. I have two answers. 1) YOU deserve to be able to BE the real you, whether other people deserve to know you or not... you should not feel you have to hide who you are... (I know, easier said than done) and 2) You will find a small core of people who DO deserve to know and be close to you and will LET you be the real you - it takes time, but it will happen... and sometimes there are phases - like now I am in a phase where I don't have a CLOSE friend, just some fun acquaintances... but recently I have started to become closer to 1-2 of them so I think in the next year, these friendships will strengthen, and that in turn will strengthen me!
Keep on getting the help you need from reliable people and you'll triumph! :)
I understand about the shy/quiet feeling. Some days at work I just want to be quiet and not talk. My coworkers always think I'm mad, when really I just need a day of quiet.
I think that many people feel that others don't "really" know them, and I can completely relate to feeling shy and worrying that other's think that you are being snobby. I am talkative when I'm comfortable, but quiet when I'm not and so it can be misinterpreted.
Yes, they do deserve to get to know the real you. You sound like a really nice person who feels very deeply. I'm really glad you got some help for your depression. Lots of folks try to ignore it.
It is hard to be "on" all the time - and if you are shy it can be even more difficult. Home is a great place to just relax and not worry about the world!
I can relate to a lot of what you say. My husband is my best friend too and other than that, I don't really have any good friends. I'm friendly with a lot of people at church and co-ops and stuff but I'm not really able to get together with anyone outside of our normal routines. I haven't really gotten any invitations much either so...*shrugs*. It's tough feeling like you don't really belong somewhere.
I can also relate to the depression thing--I have an anxiety disorder so it's not quite the same thing but similar.
Thanks for opening up to us on your blog. I think sometimes it's easier to get your heart out there in cyberspace.
Christy
http://www.alivinghomeschool.com
I am glad you have gotten the help you needed.
It's hard to find really good friends, but when you do... hold on to them!!! Thanks for sharing your heart with us... xoxo-Rachel
It's so brave of you to share some of these very personal issues with others online. I can see from the comments that many have felt the same way and have benefited from your honesty and thoughtfulness. I hope and pray that you continue on your road to "real" and that your journey continues into a positive place!
I am so glad medication has been able to help you. I've been through many things in life and totally understand how people tend to let you down in the end, or even stab you in the back, and have always had a tough time making friends because of this.
However, I have started taking into consideration that while stabbing me in the back isn't acceptable, letting me down is going to happen. They usually don't do it on purpose, and may not even realize that they are. I imagine that we all do that to each from time to time without even knowing it.
Hang in there!
I've been told I was a snob (when I was actually just shy).
I pray the depression doesn't take too many of your days and could-be-good moments.
I can truly admire your honesty and candor. It's not easy to put everything out there. Thank you for sharing who you are with all of us!
Thanks for your honesty. It's not always easy to be so honest. I also have three children close in age, my twins are older , and I have one 13 months younger, all girls!
It's very brave to be "YOU" on paper and you did just that. love how you've shared how the duckling to a swan transformation is happening. Yay!
I started reading this post and you sound so much like me. I couldn't believe it! I have suffered from Major depression also. They tried to label me with bi-polar but I am not. (whew what a relief) Some days are better that others, as I'm sure you know. It is also harder to make friends the older you get. I have found this to be true for me. Real friends are few and far between. If you find a friend that accepts the good, the bad and the ugly... then you have found a good friend. Thank you for sharing that part of yourself!
Great post, thanks for being so honest! Believe it or not we are all insecure in our own ways. I was quiet and shy too and have gotten out of it for the most part but I still have my days. Friends I think are very important you just need to find the right ones.
Thank you for being real! Good friends and people are hard to come by unfortunately. I could relate with a lot of what you said.
So glad I was in your Blogelina 100 comment group...love your blog!
Thank you so much for sharing your personal journey! It takes a lot of courage to admit something is not right...and then take the steps necessary to attain balance.
I hope you will come to visit me:
http://www.viviankirkfield.wordpress.com
I'm much like you in some ways, but different in others. I suffer from severe depression some times, but I'm bipolar, so I have my major manic phases as well. I also struggle with other issues... but when I'm in public, I have a happy perky persona. I wrote a post about this just the other day and no one who knows me in real life could believe it!! I'm actually shy and very introverted, my hubby is, too, but because we've been very involved in organizing events and theater, everyone assumes that we're all outgoing and love to socialize.
I think everyone has some sort of persona in public and with acquaintainces. I don't think it would even be healthy to always be comepletely transparent every moment of our lives.
Good post. You were obviously taking a chance and being real, and I hope you got plenty of good feedback:)
I found it interesting that so many of us Bloggers have 'similar symptoms'... I wonder if that's how we came to blog...feeling we have 'something to say,' but not know how to say it 'publicly'... hmmm... Thanks for sharing!
Lynden
http://aneleganttouch-lynden.blogspot.com
https://www.facebook.com/pages/An-Elegant-Touch-/162889457132788
Girl, I could have written this post! I feel for you. I too do not have a best friend, though I've always wanted one. That one girlfriend that you can just tell everything to, be completely yourself with and be silly with and hang out with without fear of judgment or abandonment. I am sure a lot of that has to do with my trust issues from some childhood crap, and I think the reason I don't have a best friend is because I am closed off emotionally, don't trust easily so I have a VERY hard time letting people get close to me. I don't think it's because people don't like me-though I did used to think that way and my weight was always a factor as well-the snap judgment before people getto know me can be very hurtful, but usually people don't see it like I do. My husband is awesome and is truly my best friend, but I would love to have a girlfriend to share those things with too. As wonderful as he is, sometimes guys just don't get it. I know he tries to understand what I am going through, but sometimes he just doesn't. I'll be your friend, babe! ;)
I don't have a best friend either. I mean, I do have great friends, but they're not really my best friend. Right now I just consider my hubby my best friend since he's the one I pour my heart out to. People can always disappoint us, but I guess thst's life.
It is definitely hard to find that one friend you truly click with it!! Keep being yourself no matter what! :)
Thanks for sharing this. I am similar to you in that I'm an introvert. I would rather listen to a conversation and participate minimally.
I really love blogging. It lets me show my voice. I can take my time, process, then type. It works for an introvert like me!
Thank you for sharing your heart.... great post! It's not easy to open up and you did it so well, I wish you were here and we could share a hug.
I have very few friends due to my shyness as well. I seem to be slowly breaking out of it, but comments about it certainly don't help. They just make me even more self-conscious!
Its good that you got over your shyness I'm still working on my shyness. Thanks for sharing.
Great post!
Thanks for sharing, be true to yourself. This post is a great way to help speak your mind and a little sarcasm is okay :)
Stephanie
http://www.royalmajestea.com
I'm a very shy person myself. I was reminded of myself while reading a lot of this post. In high school I was often thought of as a snob because I was so shy. I didn't talk to people outside of my little circle of friends because I was so afraid of talking to people. Thanks for sharing!
You are VERY brave to admit this online in front of an entire Internet filled with people that you have never met, which are likely going to have a diverse set of opinions. You should really give yourself a high five for that one. ;)
I think it's amazing that you took the initiative to get yourself the support you needed. Many of my friends have been through severe depression, but only the brave recognized their problems and sought help. I did suffer the loss of a close friend in 2007 due to depression. He was only 21 and there was so much ahead of him that he just could not see at the time. We miss him dearly and I wish he would have let us get him help when we asked all of those times...
Best of luck! :)
~ Nicole @ MamaNYC
www.mamanyc.net
You shared very openly and I admire you for that. I agree that people will let you down,none of us is perfect, that's for sure. That's why I love Jesus. He Never let's me down.
Congratulations on getting your degree, it must have been tough doing that and raising three young ones.
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