Not many people know the real me. Come on, admit it, we all put on a different face when we are out interacting with others compared to when we are at home. I have "friends", people that I can chit chat and laugh with. I have one really good friend who knows a lot more about me than the others and I have one friend whom I was best friends with for 20 years.. she knew a lot about me, but not everything. I'm very close with my mom, but she doesn't know everything about me. My husband, he knows pretty much all there is to know. He knows the REAL me.
When I'm out in public, I'm typically pretty quiet and shy. I kind of sit back and watch everyone else. I listen to their conversations and just take it all in. I used to be painfully shy.. I mean, painfully! I wouldn't talk to anyone unless they talked to me first. I had such low self esteem, I felt that no one would WANT to talk to me because I'm fat. I've gotten better over the last 10 years, especially when I went back to college. There were many times that I made the first move and started up a conversation with a complete stranger, which was soo out of my comfort zone, but guess what? No one said, "eww, don't talk to me fat girl!" and it felt good doing something out of my comfort zone and succeeding!
I do have my days where I'm in a really bad mood. Watch out on those days though! Those days, I may not be able to keep my trap shut if someone does or says something that I don't agree with. I'm usually quiet and polite unless someone has pissed me off.
I've suffered from severe depression for years since I was a teenager, but just finally got help for it a few years ago. This medication has saved my life. Before I got on meds, I was an absolute mess. I cried all the time at home; I cried when I was sad or mad. I was super sensitive and took everything the wrong way or I concocted these insane scenarios in my head, such as if my husband was late getting home from work, I just knew he was screwing his coworker. This caused a lot of problems in our marriage. I was always angry and took it out on my husband.
I've changed a lot since getting on my medication. I do have some bad days where I'm either super sensitive and cry at every little thing (usually around that time of the month) or some days I wake up in a pissed off mood and feel like there is smoke coming out of my head. I hate those days, absolutely hate them.
People make comments about me being so quiet and shy. I sometimes worry that people think I'm a flake or a snob when it's just my shyness. I can be a bitch at times. I can be moody. I yell and become impatient with my kids at times. I'm a bitch to my husband sometimes. I cry over stupid shit sometimes.
It takes awhile for anyone to get to know the REAL me. The real me has a huge heart. I cry when I see an old couple holding hands or animal being hurt. When I let someone into my life, I expect them to stay there! When it comes to friendships, I usually try to make some sort of attempt to keep the friendship alive, whether it be to suggest a night out or just chit chatting. I get hurt when people don't do the same for me or they don't hold my friendship as high as I hold theirs.
I don't even have a "best friend" right now. People always seem to disappoint me in the end. Even people that I've known for most of my life do things that surprise me. Some days, I feel like I don't want to make new friends and I'm better off just taking care of my own where it's safe. I don't know if I want anyone else to know the REAL me. Do they deserve it?