My husband and I have been married for 8 1/2 years now. We have separated twice. The first time was for 9 whole months. I was a wreck. I couldn't eat (lost 25 lbs), couldn't sleep, it was awful. He did and said a lot of hurtful things but as soon as he said he wanted to work things out, I went running back.
The second time was only for a couple of months. It was kind of a mutual thing just for us to have some time to ourselves and then see where things lead. This time, I was not a wreck. I cried here and there, but most of the time I was just angry, angry that he did this again. Twice now, he's gone through this whole pattern of not showing me any affection any more, no attention, like I'm just pushed to the back. Then he just decides that he thinks he is not in love with me any more, and needs time to "sort things out". This hasn't happened since 2008. We've had brief periods where we kind of grow apart, but we always end up back where we should be.
When things are good between us, they are super good. He treats me like his queen (even calls me his queen), is very affectionate, grabs my hand in public, and is great fun to be around.
Since we moved into our new house, it's been back to his old pattern, the only thing different this time is that he hasn't said that he's not in love with me any more, yet. Other than that, in the last 6 months he hasn't been affectionate to me at all, not even a hug, nada, nothing. When we are with friends, I seem to be just completely ignored as if I'm not even there. We live look room mates, Hell he doesnt even sleep in the same bed with me any more. He started out sleeping on the couch right before his shoulder surgery, saying that his shoulder was hurting too much for the bed and he had to kind of prop up on the couch. Ok, that's understandable. Then after his surgery, it was for the same reason, and he couldn't get comfortable at all anywhere really. Now his excuse is that it's because he gets up so many times during the night and doesn't want to "bother" me. Which he does have some insomnia problems, but he hasn't said much about it lately.
He just acts like he doesn't care about me any more. When I graduated college back in October, that was one of the biggest days of my life. My husband didn't even say "congratulations", "great job", "I'm proud of you", nothing. When my graduation ceremony was over, while all of the other students were getting hugs and "congratulations", I got a bitchy husband that didn't even hug me or anything, just pretty much, "let's go" and we left. I feel like he stole that moment from me. .. I always seem to be at the bottom of his priority list, and everything else is above me. We live like friends, not husband and wife.
I've tried talking to him about this and ask him why he is doing this again. At first, his excuse was that it was because he was in so much pain from his shoulder, then it was because he was so stressed out about money. Now he acts oblivious to it all, like he doesn't know what I'm talking about if I mention any of these problems. If I mention my unhappiness, he says that I am the only one unhappy; that he is happy and loves me.
Over these past 6 months, my husband has changed a lot. It's like he's a different person. We really seem to have nothing in common apart from the kids. The only thing he really talks to me about is work or the kids. We never have serious late night conversations like we used to. I can't remember the last time he said ANYTHING nice to me, at all. When I say nice, I mean saying anything remotely flirty or loving. I don't ask him for much; I don't really ask him for anything any more. All I need is a few nice comments thrown my way here and there, and a little attention/affection now and then.
When I mention him changing so much, he says that maybe this is the REAL him. If this is the real him, then I don't like the new him, at all. I want my old husband back. The one that I could talk to for hours about anything and everything. The one that could always make me smile even when I was having a bad day. I want the husband that always called me "baby" (yes, I'm one of the few women that don't complain about that one, lol). The husband that I could have fun with and laugh with. The husband that loved me for me and could always put a smile on my face. The loving husband that would tell me I'm beautiful every day, even though I never asked.
He's not there any more. He doesn't take any time for ME any more. I feel invisible when he is around. I used to hate being away from him, now I'm much happier when he's gone. When his truck pulls in the driveway, I get that sinking feeling in my stomach.
Where do I go from here? Right now, I have so much anger and hurt inside of me, I wouldn't even begin to know how to get past that if things changed between us. We bought this house with money my grandmother left me, but it's in both of our names. Neither one of us is going to want to leave it. I'm stuck here anyway until I get a job and can get on my own. I feel like I've finally gotten to the end. I'm just tired of the same thing happening over and over again. When times get tough, he pushes me away, but expects me not to go anywhere. I've told him that I'm thinking of divorce. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but yet he does nothing to fix this mess. I just don't get it. He says he loves me and doesn't want a divorce, and he knows how much he is hurting me, but he is doing nothing to fix this. He mentioned going to marriage counseling. Again. We've been down that road before. Part of me doesn't want to bother with the fight any more. I almost feel like it's not worth it. I deserve better. I want better. I want the man I married back. I don't want our family to split up, causing so much stress on the kids. I don't know where to go from here. He always says, "we'll talk about it later" because it's difficult for us to talk about anything with the kids around.. but later never comes. I've told him that if he doesn't want me to leave, he needs to fix this, and he hasn't. I can't fix it myself.
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8 comments for me!:
Oh, my heart aches for you. I hope that you can find a solution.
This seems way too familiar for me and my heart is breaking with you. I am so so very sorry you are going through this. I can only hope the two of you can start communicating again and solve this out.
I also read this earlier, and it left such an impression on me that I knew I just had to comment when I could...I am so sorry he is being such a %^&$! Men are so blind sometimes! I kinda went through this and I had to (LITERALLY) hit the books! If not I was going to lose it BIG TIME! We're along ways from where we were, but those shadows never leave my mind. If you feel like chatting, feel free! In the meantime, I really hope he realizes what he might be losing! {{HUGS}}
Thanks you guys for the comments. Sometimes it feels good to just get it all out!!! I will try to update everyone on the situation on here when I can.
oh and @Baby Steps Mommy: I think we can always work to move forward, but nothing can ever take the bad memories away.. I think they will always be there in the back of our minds. We can't just erase them.
Oh how I have been there. Last year was the worst year of my marriage and it took a real toll on me- physically and emotionally. I am so sorry that you are struggling through this too. I hope you can find peace- one way or the other.
I'm so sorry! And I known a bit of how you feel and what you are going through, the last two years have been very hard on our marriage. I hope that you can find a solution and that things get better for you -- hugs!
Visiting from Thirsty Thursday :-)
My not very serious post is here:
http://bonkersinbarnhart.com/dance-moms-beware-here-comes-horse-mom/
I can't say that I've been in that same situation, really, but I can tell you that I have felt just the way that you do. We weren't married, and my trouble wasn't that he paid too little attention towards me, it was the opposite. We were together for almost 5 years, engaged, not married, and for the last 3 years, I lost myself as a person because of what went on between us.
One thing is for sure. You do deserve better. That is not to say that he isn't a decent person, somewhere inside. He had to have been to get you, right? But the question your story brings to my mind is: "Why has he been so on/off, so consistently?" Has he had problems with depression? The extreme highs and lows sounds manic almost. But I don't know either of you personally, so I can only speculate.
You may not be asking for advice, in fact, it seems as though you just needed to get it out of yourself so that it doesn't play over and over again in your mind. That can be pure torture, especially when you can't seem to come up with a resolution.
What you need to do is decide what you feel should be in your life, and then take the necessary steps to get you there. If ya'll are so consistently unhappy together, how does that affect the kids. A divorce could be stressful for them, but so can being kept in a situation that is so emotionally distraught all the time. Weigh the two and see which one seems worse. (I know, they both do). One thing I know you're doing right is keeping your sense of self worth. You know what you deserve, what your children deserve, and you know you're not getting it. That was something I lost for a while, and it took so much to gain it back. Let that be your strength. And if you need someone to talk to, you know my email addy. Hugs to you.
I'm, so sorry that you are going through this ... it sounds though like your hubby may be manic depressive - it's a disease that runs in my family and I've seen how the highs and lows can affect a marriage... when he's manic he wants you and treats you well and when he's depressed he retreats and hides in himself and robs you of what you both need. I hope for both of you that you can find a solution that works for you...
I am also stopping by to let you know that this week's Thirsty for Comments post is up and we'd love to have you link up again this week.
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