Pouring My Heart Out: I'm Fat.

I love 

If you feel like opening up and sharing a deep dark secret, link up and join us!!


Brutally honest can be difficult, but good, right? I'm about to talk about a problem that has been a problem in my life for.. most of my life and it's been a big embarrassment for me since I was a kid. I have a severe addiction to food. No, I'm not even joking. I'm fat. I've been fat since I was a young child. As far back as I can remember, I loved to eat. I was an only child and my father wasn't in my life, so it was always just my mom and I. My mom is overweight, too. I would be rewarded with food. We would celebrate things with food. I remember ordering pizza and spitting the entire thing in half, and eating until I felt sick. I've been on a million different diets. I spent my school years being made fun of. I was always picked last in gym class.  I was called every name possible. Boys were never interested in me; I was the one they came to for advice because they liked my friend instead. I started a blog 4 years ago that was originally meant to be about my weight loss journey. It's still active on blogger, you can check it out here ... but I don't think it has been updated in over a year, probably. I just checked, it's been over a year. lol. I did lose weight, I lost like 45 lbs and was feeling great. My husband and I had just split up when I started the blog. However, 4 months later, we got back together. Things were great at first, but as things began to get stressful, I slowly stopped eating healthy and exercising. I'm fat. I know I am. I don't need people telling me that I am. I hate myself. I've always been paranoid about meeting new people, thinking that they are going to make fun of me (due to years of bullying and being told that I was fat and disgusting). I never wanted to meet my husband's new friends because I assumed they would be thinking, "What is he doing with this fat chick?". I don't like going out to clubs or bars because I feel like everyone is looking at me. I always compare myself to all of the beautiful women out there.

Food addiction is horrible. I always want to eat. I don't feel like I am satisfied until I feel that stuffed/bloated feeling and then feel sick afterwards. Even when I do feel sick, I may be thinking about leftovers that are in the kitchen for later. Imagine a recovering alcoholic having cupboards full of alcohol and then being told not to touch any of it.  I have to eat. I have to go to the grocery story. I have to make food for my kids. I can't just stop eating cold turkey (you could take that literally, or figuratively there!). When I go to a restaurant, I feel like if I don't eat everything on my plate, that I am wasting the food... even if I can get a box and take it home. It's a struggle every day. When I did my internship, it was at a weight loss center, ironically enough. I actually learned a lot there. I followed the diet and lost weight quickly.. but then life happened and I slowly began eating badly again. I know the tools for losing weight.. but this is the one thing in my life that I can't control. I can control it for a little while, but then it controls me again.. I hate being fat. I fucking hate it. I hate being big and not being able to wear cute clothes. I hate my double chin. I hate that I'm bigger than all of my friends. I hate that I can't do certain things because I'm too fat. There is nothing I like about being fat, except it makes me look younger because the lines don't show up on my fat face. I dont even know what my REAL face looks like. I saw some photos that a friend took the other night at my college graduation and was completely disgusted. How can I do this to myself? Or to my kids? I don't want my kids to get older and be embarrassed of me or develop my same bad habits. I was put on blood pressure medication last month. I don't want this. I don't want to have to take a bunch of pills. My mom has always had BP problems. and last year she found out she was a diabetic. I don't want to follow in her foot steps. I'm trying to get a job as a medical assistant. I'm going to have to be on my feet all day and it's going to be painful. How can I take care of other people looking like this? It's not ok. This has to be fixed before I'm not ok.