Thank You

As my marriage slowly comes to an end, I just want to send a heartfelt thank you out to my husband. No, not being sarcastic, this time. This time it is coming from my heart.

I thank you for building me up when I needed it. Even though you may not know it, you taught me to be stronger and more confident in myself. I broke out of my shell because of you. I thank you for all of the laughs that we used to share. I thank you for pushing me when I didn't think I could go any farther. I thank you for being my best friend, years ago. I think you for treating me like a queen, when I was your queen... Remember that day on the hill? That is one memory that I will always cherish. You helped me to conquer my fear of heights and kept pushing me up that hill. I knew that with you behind me, I wouldn't fall, and I made it to the top, with your help. Without you, I never would have done it. I thank you for the late night talks that we used to have, just you and I. I thank you for the three beautiful children that you helped me make.

I also thank you for making me realize that I deserve better. I now realize that I don't deserve to be lied to or cheated on. I know that I am strong enough to stand up for myself instead of just looking the other way when I knew things weren't how they should be. I have now been forced to look directly in the eye at all of the bullshit I've put up with. I know I'm not perfect, no one is.. and I know that I've made mistakes.. but I've forgiven way too much and put myself through way too much than anyone deserves. Thank you for showing me that the majority of our marriage has all been based on lies. A marriage based on lies isn't much of a marriage in the first place. Maybe the tornado was trying to tell us something? I've always hated lies, yet I was married to the biggest lie of them all, and I defended all of the lies to everyone around me, just to have everything thrown back in my face. Thank you for showing me that I deserve so much better.

Not Today

I tried. I tried to be happy and see the positive in things. Today it's just not happening though. Not sure why. Maybe it's the dreams I've been having every night. I dream that my husband is trying to kill me... or that I catch him with another woman. Maybe it's because lately I've been thinking about how things used to be. Remembering everything that WE have gone through TOGETHER over the past 11 years, and it just really hurts to know that he's just throwing it all away. No matter how much I say I hate him or that I don't care, it's obvious that I do.. otherwise, it just wouldn't still hurt so much. It hurts that he doesn't care about me any more. I seriously believe that if I got in a car wreck tomorrow on my way to work, he wouldn't even give a shit. It's pretty obvious that he doesn't care how much hurt he is putting me through and HAS been putting me through for the last year and a half. I can't explain how horrible it is to live like this. To be stuck feeling unloved, ignored, unwanted, and like a fucking maid. It would be so much easier if I could just step away and then I could move on. .. but I can't. I'm stuck. It's like prison. He acts like he doesn't care about ANYTHING. He doesn't care about the last 11 years and what I have put up with from HIM, he doesn't care how all of this is affecting our children... he's just cold and heartless. No wonder I'm having these types of dreams. I can't even move on. Why is he doing this to me? He can't hold shit against me forever like this.. because GOD KNOWS I didn't hold ALL of the bullshit he has done to ME against HIM forever. I moved past it. Maybe that's my problem though. Maybe I was just too forgiving and then I just got fucked in the ass in the end because of it. Marriage isn't always roses! It's fucking work! Shit happens in life, fucking deal with it instead of fucking feeling sorry for yourself and throwing everything away. FUCK YOU! for putting me through this and for throwing this all away!!!!!!!!!!!

Anger Management

Things have actually been going good for once (once). Yesterday, I got called into the supervisor's office. *eek*.. where I was told that they are very happy with my work. They said that I always have a positive attitude and the owners want me to be the "go to" person when my supervisor is not there. Yeah.That fast! So we will see where this goes!

I've also realized that there is actually something to this whole eating healthy thing. Since I've been eating healthier and have lost weight, I think I may be able to go off of my blood pressure meds. My b.p. has been low, TOO low (we are talking 98/58!.. compared to 165/100!). I stopped taking my meds 5 days ago, and it's still low, so yeah.. I'm thinking I don't need my meds anymore!

Also, for some reason, my anger has somehow disappeared. It was like, *poof* it was gone. I actually think it was when he admitted that he didn't care about me any more. Like a switch flipped in my brain. Maybe it was the signal I needed to give up the fight and realize that it's not worth the emotional nightmare that I have been going through for the last year and a half. I don't know where the anger went, but I feel so much lighter having it gone from my head. I guess the next step is to begin moving on. If he can sit there and honestly say that he doesn't care about me, in front of our kids, then he is not someone WORTH being in my life any longer. I'm not a liar. I'm not a cheater, and I've always loved fully with my heart. Maybe I loved TOO much. I was too forgiving when I should have stood up for myself. Maybe that was my mistake. I guess we learn from our mistakes and all I can do is make sure that I don't let it happen again. I know I'm stronger than that now and don't deserve to be stepped on and kicked over and over and over again, especially by someone who I gave my heart to. It's one of the worst pains in the world but life goes on and I am in control of who and what affects me. I know I deserve better than what I've been given.

Knowing When To Give Up...

I've always been the one that defended marriage. I've always believed that people give up on marriage too easily and divorce is just the easy way out. When hubs and I first separated in 2006, I was researching various ways to work on a marriage and I've always remembered one thing that I read. It said to never give up on marriage until you can one day tell your kids that you tried EVERY thing possible to save it, and honestly mean it. Don't walk away until you can walk away without regrets and without looking back. I've spent a big portion of my marriage, forgiving and overlooking things that were not right because I didn't want to give up on marriage so easily. I always felt that when you marry someone, it SHOULD be forever. When times get hard, you do what you have to to make the wrongs right. You don't just give up on your spouse. You FOLLOWED THROUGH with the vows that you made on your wedding day, every. single. one of them. You didn't just turn your back on your spouse when things got hard. That's not what 2 people who love each other and made those vows are supposed to do. Marriage is never easy. Things happen. People change. People make mistakes. You work through them. When I said my vows on August 1, 2003, I meant them. I didn't mean, "I'll love you forever, and I'll fuck up a lot and YOU will forgive ME, but if you fuck up, I will NOT forgive you, I will hold it against you for the rest of your life and treat you like shit because of it". Nope. That's definitely not what my vows meant, but I guess I can't say the same for the person who stood across from me on that day.

I guess what I'm getting at, is that I'm done. Done fighting for a marriage by myself. I can honestly say that *I* have done everything I can possibly do. I can't yell any more. It's like talking to a fucking brick wall that doesn't even let the words in. I can't pretend to be happy any more. Instead, I'm fucking angry. Angrier than I have ever been before. Angry that I've put up with so much fucking shit over the past 10 years, but just get it all thrown back in my face. If he wants to ruin this marriage and tear apart this family, it can lay on his conscience for the rest of his life, not mine. I can honestly tell the kids that I tried to fix things.. but I can't fix things on my own. It's not possible. My angry side has come out and I'm fucking pissed off. Pissed off that I forgave all the BULLSHIT that was done to me in the past. Angry, that I made excuses for HIM. Angry that I always stood up for HIM, when everyone else was against him. Angry that I kept forgiving him, just to have him keep doing the same shit over and over again. Angry that I believed all of his fucking promises. Angry that I always looked the other way when I knew that he was lying through his fucking teeth. Angry that I let myself get trapped in this situation that I'm in right now. Angry that I didn't listen to my friend when he kept telling me to be careful that hubs was just with me to sink his teeth into the inheritance money I got from my grandmother that she worked so hard for. Angry at myself for not standing up for myself LONG ago when I knew something wasn't right. Angry at myself for not being strong enough to walk away years ago, when I could have saved myself A HELL of a lot of fucking pain and sorrow. My wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life, but I now question if he ever did even love me. How do you lie to and hurt someone you love over and over again and then just act like you don't give a shit? Actually, the other day, he admitted that he didn't give a shit about me anymore. Him saying that made me realize something. It made me realize that I don't need or want ANYONE in my life that doesn't care about me. So, it's time for him to be OUT of my life for good.

Yesterday, I was reading one of my favorite blogs thingsicantsay and it was about marriage. As she celebrates her 10 year anniversary, she asked people to share what marriage means to them. As I read through them, I realized how most of them were things I ONCE felt, and that is what I miss the most but know that I can't hold on to any longer. These things are what a marriage SHOULD be:

Marriage is hard but worth it to get to spend everyday with your best friend who has chosen to love you even when at times you aren’t very lovable. -AnnMarie

Marriage is compromise, finishing each other’s sentences, knowing what the other needs before they say it. Marriage is ups and downs, kids and life. Marriage is happiness. -Jessica Torres

Marriage is love, patience, negotiations, respect, empathy, laughter, and communication.   A good marriage is the best gift you can give yourself and your children. -Heather

After almost 23 years of marriage I can say that it is… the first kiss, the last kiss, the make up kiss and the make out kiss; good times, bad times and mundane times; the difference, the disagreement and the mutual decision; growing up, growing old, and growing closer; earning that the balance is in the imbalance; sharing babies, sharing a life, and sharing a bed; accepting the bad side because you love the good side. Marriage is the second hardest job you’ll ever love. -Jennifer

Marriage is worth it. Sure it is a lot of hard work, and it isn’t always easy, but spending the rest of your life connected to someone you love is a beautiful thing – and that is worth all the hard work in the world. -Tracie

I guess I'm just not worth the hard work.. to him. Maybe it's time for me to find the one who DOES think I'm worth it.

Life Lessons Along The Way

I've been at my new job for almost a month now and I absolutely love it. I love the job and the people that I work with. The company I work for contracts with one of the biggest medical providers in Ohio and Michigan. My main job is processing financial aid applications, and filling attorney requests for medical reports/bills..etc.. I love going to work every day. Is it sad that being at work is sometimes better than being at home??

Home still sucks. The only way I can describe it is to imagine being STUCK living with your worst enemy. Yep, that's it. I'm treated as if I am invisible and don't matter in the family/household. I am lied to. I am deceived. It is absolutely horrible to be married to someone who makes me feel like shit every day. I don't have much time for blogging or anything else for that matter because as soon as I come home from work, I have to make dinner, do dishes, laundry, everything else that needs done. On the weekend, I'm left cleaning almost the entire house myself. What does he do? He just does whatever the FUCK he wants to do. He goes out and 4-wheels with friends whenever he wants. While I'm attempting to get the house cleaned up and ready for the work week, he sits on his ass and plays xbox with the kids all fucking day long. I guess that he has decided that he will "win" the kids over by being the "fun" dad that just plays instead of teaching his kids how to be respectful and helpful to the family. His idea of "helping" is making the kids clean up, and he will maybe pick up a few things here and there. That way, if/when I bitch about him not doing SHIT, he can come back with saying, "i cleaned this". Yeah, taking your plate out to the kitchen and picking up a piece of paper off of the floor really makes up for everything I have to do. I don't know what's happened to him. I guess I don't care any more. Maybe it's his way of "punishing" me for not working before. It's already been over a year and a half, I don't know how much more punishment I'm supposed to take? It's as if he really does not give a shit how much hurt he is causing me. How much pain he is inflicting on me. How much hate he is bringing inside of me. He thinks he's not doing shit wrong and he's Mr. manly man father of the year. He really doesn't see what a fucking douche bag he has turned into. and I'm stuck here. He knows I can't afford a lawyer for a fucking divorce, and he knows that I won't leave the house that MY GRANDMOTHER bought... and because i was STUPID enough to put the house in both of our names, he won't leave. I'm actually glad that my grandma is gone. She really loved him, and it would KILL her to see what kind of man he has turned into and how he treats me. I'm glad she doesn't have to go through that. I'm glad she went to her grave seeing him as a loving husband/father (that he used to be). She never saw the manipulator that he is. He can talk his way in or out of almost anything. He's a great bullshitter and a compulsive liar. I've known this for a long time.. for years. I was just DUMB enough to look the other way, and loving him anyway, always assuring myself that even though he lied to everyone else around him, that he loved me too much to lie to me. I always forgave him for all the bullshit. I always loved him regardless of EVERYTHING he did to me, and this is what I get in return. Guess it's one huge ass life lesson that I will be sure to NEVER make again. .. and I will most likely NEVER be able to trust anyone ever again because I trusted him with every inch of my being, just to get slapped in the face with that trust. I know that Karma is a bitch though, and all of this will come back to bite him in the ass in the end. Now, I just need to figure out how to get him out of my life for GOOD. I hate him with such a deep seeded passion for everything he has done to me over the last year and a half, and this time there is no forgiving; there is no looking the other way. I'm a better person than that and I deserve to be with someone who won't lie to me constantly, and who will be there to support me emotionally, not tear me down. ... I wish my kids had a better role model and I wish they didn't have to see how much pain HE puts me through every day, but he is exposing them to all of it. .... I'm so tired of hurting every day all because of one fucking person whom I can't fucking get away from!!!!!!!!! It's not fair. I know I deserve better than this but how do I get OUT?????????????????????????????????



doing some research on compulsive liars.. and WOW, it's as if some of these were written about my situation to the "T"..

First of all you have to remember that marriage, in legal terms, is a piece of paper that acknowledges you are a legal couple. Remember that a sociopath can go through the motions to serve his/her purpose including walking down the isle. Even if that means showing you how much they love you because they know this is what they need to do in order to get what they want. Their bottom line motive is not to love you the way you love or be your equal but to manipulate you and keep you in their grips for their own needs. There are many people, mostly women, that think just because someone shows them or tell them they love them it excuses the bad behavior. The lacking of self esteem and confidence in ones self can attract a sociopath into their lives. This does not mean that everyone who is effected by a sociopath has low self esteem and low self confidence because that would mean that everyone in this world does. It means that people make excuses for others' bad behaviors when that person with the bad behavior is fulfilling your need of companionship. If this is your case just remember that it will come to an end eventually and unfortunately statistics say that you will be the loser in the end. Weather emotionally raped or robbed financially you will lose in the end and for what? For having someone, the wrong someone, in your life to fulfill your needs of companionship. "I can't do any better" is running through your head. Try thinking "I can do better" and just maybe you will. The sociopath is the one who cannot do any better. They need people like this in order to survive and fulfill their needs of sex, manipulation, and self esteem. 

How do I get out of a relationship with a sociopath?This is a tuff question to answer because you are already involved with a dangerous person. Getting rid of someone who does not care why; can be tricky and risky. Seeking help from friends and family is a start. Past experiences have shown that people have physically moved to get away from the danger. Change the locks on your doors and have a bottle of mace with you at all times. 

Are all people who manipulate a true sociopath?

Of course NOT! A sociopath will manipulate you and everyone else in their life knowingly and consciously. A normal person such as yourself may subconsciously manipulate a situation for a number of reasons but once it is realized a feeling of regret and remorse will overcome you. This is your conscience speaking to you. The super ego part of your personality. A sociopath will never feel this way. They are incapable because they lack the super ego part of their personality. 

A Sociopath

A sociopath is typically defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others.  A sociopath is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused - it is done to get one's way).  Sociopaths have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others.  Sociopaths are often charming and charismatic, but they use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways (see,lovefraud, for more on sociopaths).


..... My warning: If your spouse lies. If your spouse makes it all about you. If your spouse watches you sob uncontrollably and stares at you blankly and with disgust instead of offering comfort - LEAVE. Do not pass "Go." Do not collect your $200. LEAVE.