Friday, July 05, 2013

The Nightmare Is Just Beginning

I haven't posted here in so long. Never seem to find the time or ambition since working full time. Things have just gotten worse and worse and I'm at the bottom right now. After the Hell I have been going through over the last two years, everything has come to a head, and I found out what the truth is behind everything.

My husband is moving out of our home, and moving in with the woman he has been cheating on me with for the last two years. Oh, but it gets worse. This woman was someone that I once considered a friend, a good friend. Someone who once pretended to be one of my best friends and pretended to care and to listen when I needed a shoulder to cry on... when all the time, she was messing around with MY fucking husband!! Even when HER husband suspected that something was going on, both of them assured me that HE was the crazy paranoid one. She assured me that my husband was like a brother to her (her exact words) and that it was just silly for her husband to think anything was going on. She stopped talking to me, and told me it was because her husband was making her stop talking to all of us and wanted her and her teenage children to have no contact with us... when all the time, she was still talking to my husband behind my back. Not only have I been extremely betrayed by my husband, I have been betrayed by someone I thought was a friend. Can it get more worse than that?

I feel like I'm stuck in some bad nightmare, and that this isn't real. This is something you hear about through the grapevine, or you see on tv in a movie and you think, "oh my God, can you imagine?? That's so awful!"... but it's not tv, this is real. It's happening TO ME. It hurts so fucking bad sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like my whole world is crashing around me. and he.. HE thinks that he is doing nothing wrong, nothing. Like, he doesn't even CARE what he is doing to me or to our kids. He's so blind to it all. He's living in his own little world where he only cares about his own wants and needs. He's not caring about what effect he is having on the kids. He doesn't care what kind of role model he is being. He doesn't care that he is teaching our children that it is OK to lie, cheat, and hurt others. I want my kids to learn the value of family, and how to treat people with respect and love, when he is teaching them the opposite!! Then he has the fucking balls to think he's going to take custody of them!

He's moving, starting a brand new life, leaving me in a fucking mess, to clean up all of HIS fucking mess, on top of my own heartache and anger, and threaten to take the kids from me. Who does this shit? Who in their right fucking mind thinks that doing this shit is OK????????? No one!!!!!!

I know that I will come out the better person in all of this. I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. I know that I can come out of this with my head held high and strong. I know that I have many, many family and friends standing behind me, and supporting me.. and I know that the two of them CAN NOT say the same!!!!!!. It just hurts. It hurts so unbelievably much, knowing that this is what I get in return for all of the shit I had forgiven him for in the past, all of the times I defended him to everyone around me, all of the times I stood by his side when everyone told me to run away from him. All of the hurt he has put me through, but I still tried to see the GOOD in him, and this is what I get. I've lost all hope and trust in the human race. Life really knows how to knock you down and I will never be able to trust anyone ever again.

While everyone else is enjoying family time and celebrating the 4th, I can't stop crying. I try to put on a brave face in front of everyone else, but sometimes I just can't any more.

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Sunday, April 14, 2013

Thank You

As my marriage slowly comes to an end, I just want to send a heartfelt thank you out to my husband. No, not being sarcastic, this time. This time it is coming from my heart.

I thank you for building me up when I needed it. Even though you may not know it, you taught me to be stronger and more confident in myself. I broke out of my shell because of you. I thank you for all of the laughs that we used to share. I thank you for pushing me when I didn't think I could go any farther. I thank you for being my best friend, years ago. I think you for treating me like a queen, when I was your queen... Remember that day on the hill? That is one memory that I will always cherish. You helped me to conquer my fear of heights and kept pushing me up that hill. I knew that with you behind me, I wouldn't fall, and I made it to the top, with your help. Without you, I never would have done it. I thank you for the late night talks that we used to have, just you and I. I thank you for the three beautiful children that you helped me make.

I also thank you for making me realize that I deserve better. I now realize that I don't deserve to be lied to or cheated on. I know that I am strong enough to stand up for myself instead of just looking the other way when I knew things weren't how they should be. I have now been forced to look directly in the eye at all of the bullshit I've put up with. I know I'm not perfect, no one is.. and I know that I've made mistakes.. but I've forgiven way too much and put myself through way too much than anyone deserves. Thank you for showing me that the majority of our marriage has all been based on lies. A marriage based on lies isn't much of a marriage in the first place. Maybe the tornado was trying to tell us something? I've always hated lies, yet I was married to the biggest lie of them all, and I defended all of the lies to everyone around me, just to have everything thrown back in my face. Thank you for showing me that I deserve so much better.
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Sunday, March 24, 2013

Not Today

I tried. I tried to be happy and see the positive in things. Today it's just not happening though. Not sure why. Maybe it's the dreams I've been having every night. I dream that my husband is trying to kill me... or that I catch him with another woman. Maybe it's because lately I've been thinking about how things used to be. Remembering everything that WE have gone through TOGETHER over the past 11 years, and it just really hurts to know that he's just throwing it all away. No matter how much I say I hate him or that I don't care, it's obvious that I do.. otherwise, it just wouldn't still hurt so much. It hurts that he doesn't care about me any more. I seriously believe that if I got in a car wreck tomorrow on my way to work, he wouldn't even give a shit. It's pretty obvious that he doesn't care how much hurt he is putting me through and HAS been putting me through for the last year and a half. I can't explain how horrible it is to live like this. To be stuck feeling unloved, ignored, unwanted, and like a fucking maid. It would be so much easier if I could just step away and then I could move on. .. but I can't. I'm stuck. It's like prison. He acts like he doesn't care about ANYTHING. He doesn't care about the last 11 years and what I have put up with from HIM, he doesn't care how all of this is affecting our children... he's just cold and heartless. No wonder I'm having these types of dreams. I can't even move on. Why is he doing this to me? He can't hold shit against me forever like this.. because GOD KNOWS I didn't hold ALL of the bullshit he has done to ME against HIM forever. I moved past it. Maybe that's my problem though. Maybe I was just too forgiving and then I just got fucked in the ass in the end because of it. Marriage isn't always roses! It's fucking work! Shit happens in life, fucking deal with it instead of fucking feeling sorry for yourself and throwing everything away. FUCK YOU! for putting me through this and for throwing this all away!!!!!!!!!!!

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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Anger Management

Things have actually been going good for once (once). Yesterday, I got called into the supervisor's office. *eek*.. where I was told that they are very happy with my work. They said that I always have a positive attitude and the owners want me to be the "go to" person when my supervisor is not there. Yeah.That fast! So we will see where this goes!

I've also realized that there is actually something to this whole eating healthy thing. Since I've been eating healthier and have lost weight, I think I may be able to go off of my blood pressure meds. My b.p. has been low, TOO low (we are talking 98/58!.. compared to 165/100!). I stopped taking my meds 5 days ago, and it's still low, so yeah.. I'm thinking I don't need my meds anymore!

Also, for some reason, my anger has somehow disappeared. It was like, *poof* it was gone. I actually think it was when he admitted that he didn't care about me any more. Like a switch flipped in my brain. Maybe it was the signal I needed to give up the fight and realize that it's not worth the emotional nightmare that I have been going through for the last year and a half. I don't know where the anger went, but I feel so much lighter having it gone from my head. I guess the next step is to begin moving on. If he can sit there and honestly say that he doesn't care about me, in front of our kids, then he is not someone WORTH being in my life any longer. I'm not a liar. I'm not a cheater, and I've always loved fully with my heart. Maybe I loved TOO much. I was too forgiving when I should have stood up for myself. Maybe that was my mistake. I guess we learn from our mistakes and all I can do is make sure that I don't let it happen again. I know I'm stronger than that now and don't deserve to be stepped on and kicked over and over and over again, especially by someone who I gave my heart to. It's one of the worst pains in the world but life goes on and I am in control of who and what affects me. I know I deserve better than what I've been given.

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Saturday, March 09, 2013

Knowing When To Give Up...

I've always been the one that defended marriage. I've always believed that people give up on marriage too easily and divorce is just the easy way out. When hubs and I first separated in 2006, I was researching various ways to work on a marriage and I've always remembered one thing that I read. It said to never give up on marriage until you can one day tell your kids that you tried EVERY thing possible to save it, and honestly mean it. Don't walk away until you can walk away without regrets and without looking back. I've spent a big portion of my marriage, forgiving and overlooking things that were not right because I didn't want to give up on marriage so easily. I always felt that when you marry someone, it SHOULD be forever. When times get hard, you do what you have to to make the wrongs right. You don't just give up on your spouse. You FOLLOWED THROUGH with the vows that you made on your wedding day, every. single. one of them. You didn't just turn your back on your spouse when things got hard. That's not what 2 people who love each other and made those vows are supposed to do. Marriage is never easy. Things happen. People change. People make mistakes. You work through them. When I said my vows on August 1, 2003, I meant them. I didn't mean, "I'll love you forever, and I'll fuck up a lot and YOU will forgive ME, but if you fuck up, I will NOT forgive you, I will hold it against you for the rest of your life and treat you like shit because of it". Nope. That's definitely not what my vows meant, but I guess I can't say the same for the person who stood across from me on that day.

I guess what I'm getting at, is that I'm done. Done fighting for a marriage by myself. I can honestly say that *I* have done everything I can possibly do. I can't yell any more. It's like talking to a fucking brick wall that doesn't even let the words in. I can't pretend to be happy any more. Instead, I'm fucking angry. Angrier than I have ever been before. Angry that I've put up with so much fucking shit over the past 10 years, but just get it all thrown back in my face. If he wants to ruin this marriage and tear apart this family, it can lay on his conscience for the rest of his life, not mine. I can honestly tell the kids that I tried to fix things.. but I can't fix things on my own. It's not possible. My angry side has come out and I'm fucking pissed off. Pissed off that I forgave all the BULLSHIT that was done to me in the past. Angry, that I made excuses for HIM. Angry that I always stood up for HIM, when everyone else was against him. Angry that I kept forgiving him, just to have him keep doing the same shit over and over again. Angry that I believed all of his fucking promises. Angry that I always looked the other way when I knew that he was lying through his fucking teeth. Angry that I let myself get trapped in this situation that I'm in right now. Angry that I didn't listen to my friend when he kept telling me to be careful that hubs was just with me to sink his teeth into the inheritance money I got from my grandmother that she worked so hard for. Angry at myself for not standing up for myself LONG ago when I knew something wasn't right. Angry at myself for not being strong enough to walk away years ago, when I could have saved myself A HELL of a lot of fucking pain and sorrow. My wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life, but I now question if he ever did even love me. How do you lie to and hurt someone you love over and over again and then just act like you don't give a shit? Actually, the other day, he admitted that he didn't give a shit about me anymore. Him saying that made me realize something. It made me realize that I don't need or want ANYONE in my life that doesn't care about me. So, it's time for him to be OUT of my life for good.

Yesterday, I was reading one of my favorite blogs thingsicantsay and it was about marriage. As she celebrates her 10 year anniversary, she asked people to share what marriage means to them. As I read through them, I realized how most of them were things I ONCE felt, and that is what I miss the most but know that I can't hold on to any longer. These things are what a marriage SHOULD be:

Marriage is hard but worth it to get to spend everyday with your best friend who has chosen to love you even when at times you aren’t very lovable. -AnnMarie

Marriage is compromise, finishing each other’s sentences, knowing what the other needs before they say it. Marriage is ups and downs, kids and life. Marriage is happiness. -Jessica Torres

Marriage is love, patience, negotiations, respect, empathy, laughter, and communication.   A good marriage is the best gift you can give yourself and your children. -Heather

After almost 23 years of marriage I can say that it is… the first kiss, the last kiss, the make up kiss and the make out kiss; good times, bad times and mundane times; the difference, the disagreement and the mutual decision; growing up, growing old, and growing closer; earning that the balance is in the imbalance; sharing babies, sharing a life, and sharing a bed; accepting the bad side because you love the good side. Marriage is the second hardest job you’ll ever love. -Jennifer

Marriage is worth it. Sure it is a lot of hard work, and it isn’t always easy, but spending the rest of your life connected to someone you love is a beautiful thing – and that is worth all the hard work in the world. -Tracie

I guess I'm just not worth the hard work.. to him. Maybe it's time for me to find the one who DOES think I'm worth it.

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